ASK LENARD

"I'M A NATIVE AND I KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE THAT ARE JUST LIKE LENARD. THIS IS FUNNY STUFF!" T.F.

Hello.

My name is Milvin Moccasin. I am Lenard's cousin. It
is with a heavy heart that I post this to you all.

First off, I must explain what has happened. Lenard
has gone missing.

As one of his few family members that still can put up
with him, I'm am of worried about his safety and
whereabouts. He's gone missing before, usually a big
drunk up in Assumption or Stand Off, but never like
this.

See he went drinking with me, my brother Melvin
Moccasin, my sister Suzie and the rest of my clan a
few weeks ago in Hobeema. We all piled into the back
of the 75 chevy truck because we were running low on
booze, and we needed to go the bar before the Canada
day fireworks.

Melvin swerved to miss the neighbour's dog and in
doing so hit a rut in the road then he hit the ditch.
We got shaken up pretty good, but we were drunk, so we
just shook it off and kept passing around the magnum
of branvan. We went down the road for a bit, maybe 10
or 15 minutes, before noticing that Lenard wasn't
there!

So I told Melvin, go back, we lost Lenard! So we they
went back, found a couple of empty big bear beer
bottles,a micky of branvan, a big pool of blood, a
couple teeth and his beloved baby blue Brocket 99 hat.
But no Lenard!

We searched for about 15 minutes and then went into
town thinking maybe Lenard would get picked up by
somebody.Maybe he was in the bush taking a leak or
something. Please forgive us, we were drunk. After a
week of not seeing him, we all got worried.

Even Rosie and Stella (close friends of Lenard's
I've been told) haven't seen him. They are worried
too. Our contacts in Assumption, Stand Off, the Drake
hotel in Edmonton, Lethbridge and Calgary have not
seen him either.

The only person who has said to have seen Lenard that
night was surprisingly the Pakistani fellow Lenard
gotten had fired a few months back. It seems he got
fired because Lenard was passed out in the park with a
can of lysol and a half empty bottle of listerine in a
7-11 bag. I guess the cops thought that this fellow
sold Lenard lysol, (which he did but I did not think
that was illegal) and he got fired because of it. I
believe his name was Tyreesh or Hapeesh or something
like that.

Funny thing though this fellow mysteriously went back
home to wherever he came from the day after Melvin
talked to him. I am sure that was just an odd
coincidence though.

We went to the cops said they would help, but they
are busy with other stuff. I guess with all the
violence and drugs happening this summer, they just
don't have time to search for our beloved cousin.

What can I say? Lenard loved life. Yes he had his
faults, but who doesn't? Yes he liked the ladies, his
liqour and other pasttimes. He enjoyed playing guitar
and singing. He also really enjoyed weaving the words
and writing his column. He loved his fans, all 10 of
them.

Lenard though did have big plans which now may never
happen. He told me that last night we were together
that he had just met someone and was considering
getting away from the "drinkin, yellin and loiterin"
lifestyle he preached about in his column. I thought
he was pulling my chain like he did when I was growing
up, but I cold tell in his eys that he was serious. He
was also really pumped to play on Lenny's upcoming
CD, and being Lenny's back up guitarist, but I guess
that won't happen now. Such a tragedy.

So Please, if you have any information about Lenard,
any clues or pictures that might be able to find him
so that he can fulfill his dream, and be with the love
of his life, please email Lenard's column.

May the Great Spirit guide you and bless you,

Milvin "Monty" Moccasin

Cheif Low Testicle

EH CUZIN! Hows it going you probably dont remeber me but anywayz
dat dont matta I was hunting ducks this spring when de dam whitties
cam out and gave me shit for duck hunting in there fuckin fishin spot
so i told dem to get of my fuckin land. Ne ways they started yelling
and jumped in my boat and beat mi native ass down when all of a sudden
and let out 1 of dose diarehea shit farts and scared em a way from my
boat so i came home with 2 ducks and afew surprizes in mi pants hahah.
So I chugged my lysol down ya know dat 55% bonus pak dam went down
smooth oh yah dont forget dat are family pow wow is being held at the
end of july cuzin remeber to keep mary away from me.

Deer chief low teshtikal:

I am tryin to remembur u cuzin, in Lenard's line of speakin and given
advish, I meets many chiefs frum rez's all around da playsh!

dem fuckin whities.. tink dey can fuckin hunt or fish any ware dey want tu..
fuckers! Don't dey noe dat's our gig? fuck, nexsht ting u noe dey will want
ush to shtart payin taxshes and goin to skewl to learn whitie bullshit!

umm well tanks fer da shtory, but fuck, i'm eatin my bannuk and moosemeat
wit budder der and didn't need to here dat fuckin shtuff abowt ur runny
shitz! gawd dam cuzin, I nearly puked jush tinkin about dat.. but fuck
anyways, at leasht u got shum duck! fucks I gotta wash my moute out wit
fuckin jack daniels now.. fuck. tanks a lot, I wuz shavin dat jack fer bingo
tonite!

and yesh, gotz to luv dem new 55% pershent more lysol per can.. it gets u
gewd an fucked up! shpeakin of lysol an shinsh I'm fuckin done eatin.. der's
anudder new flayvor of da lysawl! Mixshed berree! I've tried it,cauze fuck,
why do u tink i'm here for, dat's what u bucks n skwas depend on me's for!

it's a gewd after shupper lysol.. almosht as gewd as da green appul, but not
almosht.

yesh, i'll be down in brocket for da powow's at da end of da munt of july,
I'm alsho gonna go down to shpokane dis shummer to hook up wit shunny
moskito, do shum geetar and back up vocals on her new sheedee, and den
she's takin me to da denny's in cor da layne fer brakefasht after der. I am
alsho gonna go check out a tatanka burger down in da shtates, cauze fuck dey
ain't up herez yet! why am I goin to da shtates? cauze Iz got a shpeakin
date down der tu. gonna get paid in jack daniels and jimmy beam. gonna be a
gewd time.. gonna get pished up!

keep u away frum mary? fuck dat cuzin, u made me shtop eatin my fuckin moosh
meet wit budder! fer dat, I'm tellin mary u got da hotz fer her and want to
breed her like she's ur cuzin.. well unlessh u get me a cupple of ducks, tu
tatanka burgers, and 2 bottles of baby duck wine to wash it down wit!

fuck ware iz my jack daniels?

Lenard

Hellow evereeboddee! Jush tout Ide put da shmoke shignals out dat I eshkaped from da klutches of dem two fat bitshes rosie n shtella!

Lenard is back frum hiding and is readee to help u wit any kewstshuns u may have abut luv, lyfe or lysawl!

I'd also shay dat Ive been bushy in da shtudio workin on my firsht shingle called 'Squaw I'm leavin' cumin shoon to dis shite.. i'm just gettin da drummers readee as well as da resht of da members of my fursht band (da ones dat arent in jail anywayz or hav got a old ladee and shicks kids) Lenard an da Moccassins. yesh, dat band! wit shuch klashuks as "lysawl blues" "gonna rock ur teepee" and of curshe, who kuld ferget ur biggesht hit s "(I fucked) Iris's shister" and "fly high clayton" (in mamory of Clayton magnet) . ah many rekords we shold out of da back of da 75 chevy we dids..

I'll be layin down da tracks wit a da shame microfone dat I shtoled from da radio shack der in Pincher creek.. all dem years (an beers) ago dat I shang dem shongs dat I wuz talkin about up der on.

Alsho, I am in nawgosheayshuns wit Lenny rednuts to maybe do sum back up vocals and guitar on hish new sheedee.

sho I have been bishy, but resht assured dat Lenard is back an cumin to a rez neer u's!

have a drink on me like ashee deshee shays,

Lenard

Ohhh Lenard you sexy buck, I am in truble.
I am a shingle doe who can't get a date for the next Pow Wow, and my cuzin won't cum wid me since last time, I drank all of his Lucky beer and ate his shmoked salmon that he was savin fer his date with Rosie....anyhoo, I need some help findin me a horny buck who can fill my canoe with moose meet, if'n ya knows what I mean eh? I need a man who likes to play dat bingo and can drink/Lysol me under da table. Am I ashkin fer too much Lenard? Gots to go, my grilled processed cheeze samwich is burnin, and da kids are playin in the old fridge in da front yard again. PS why do we have bed sheets fer curtains?

tanks fer taken da tyme to rite to deer ol Lenard. I hates to she a sexshe hunnee like urshelf in truble. I noe whatz it like tu go to da pow wow alone! and tanks to dem bitses rosie n shtella, I can never get wit anybuddy dis shide of brocket! Yesh, I noe whatz u need and meen abut findin urshelf a yung hung buck! everybodee needs shum luvin shumtimes.. u don't ashk fer mutsh! but dis is whatz u gotta du is get a cuzin to take u to da powwow maybe she will be fat n ugly, but tell ur u'll get her shum luvin tu!..but beforez u leeve, make sure dat u get ur hair all fixed up and fansy (remmber to uze da akwa net hairspray!) but make sure u wear da low cut buckskin dresh, cut jush below ur ass.. showz off whatz u got! let all da bucks drool.. an make sur u dont wears any tong or pantiesh, fer shum sleezy eazee akshesh! .. u do dat, and all da bucks will be wantin a private powow in der tipis!

I've ashked myshelf dat on okashun, but den again, why not? dish is da rez, not da fanshee hotel like da drake or da cecil or da bridge in where dey got fanshee shtuff like kurtans on da windows.. beshides, why shpend lots of munee on shit like dat u noes dey a jush gonna get dirtee or da papooses will jush wipe der nooshes or ashes on dem.. fuck dat!

tanks fer da leddur.. yesh we are beezee heer tryin to get da shtayshun up n runnin.. but fuck, it's not dat eezee.. shneekin around, shteelin da shtereo shtuff, da shit.. but anywayz, boo fuckin hoo, I don't heer no new brocket.. don't need dat sob fuckin shtory.. brocket is a claashic and we have to takes our time on anyting nuw! u don't want ush to put out a bunch of fuckin shit like Iris Lariat do ya? dat wuld be trajik! but, fuck u gots da new lenny rednuts sheedee cumin up, new dick twang alsho, and plush what da fans have been waitin for fer many moons, Sammy Eagle Vomit! so fuck, how can u argue wit dat? plush Lenard is shtill lewkin to get anudder band togeddur for his fuckin debut shee dee too, but fuck dats hard son of a bits I tell u! writin shongs, writin letters tu my adorin fans, , bangin da honies, drinkin, yellin, loiterin, runnin from rosie n shtella.. definately no time in dis buck's life!

anudder hit of whats? u noe Lenard does noe lots about life, love and of course lysol, but fuck I am not one of dem fuckin guyz da reeds da mindz like a fuckin medicine mad hyped up on da peyote.. or dat fuckin whitie Raveen.. so ricky, anudder hit of what? lysol? jack daniels? shmack? photokopyer fluid? crack? rosie? shtella? (dey like to hit der bucks.. take it frum one who noes! fuckin bitses!)

My problemz are many.. u try fuckin bein held kaptuv by fuckin rosie n shtella! boo fuckin whoo.. u gotz no problemz fuck.. u don't noe nutin! an yesh, lafter is gewd medishun, so fuck, if u kant take da joke, dont fuckin shend me any leddurz or cum to Michael's site.. he werks hard to provide many whities and cuzins alike wit da medishun of laffter and to shpreed da word of da brocket 99..many gewd memories of people lishten to da shtashun.. like it or not, it is part of our lives, deel wit it! but hey, der is alwayz dat jeff fucksworty guy or dat don burnshtick dey don't make fun of anyboddee at all in der comedy.. unlesh u are a whitie livin in da trayler park or da redneck or an ojibwa or blackfoot.. but anywayz..

tansi cussin....hows its going pro?....i was in yahoo tsat tsattin with some hot tsicks...was wannerin if u got any goot pick up lines...cause im single eh...eversince i lost my drivers jinkin colt 45's in st paul alberta!

Saaa cuzin! it's goin preddee gewd now dat I eshcaped frum da klutshes of dem fat bitses! Gewd ting u shent me da messhage abut pickin up da hunies.. I gotz manee linez.. like when u walk up to a hot Blood chick in da bridge inn and shay "fuck me if I'm wrong, but ur eyes are a beautiful blew!" dat un werks shumtimes.. or 'nice moccashins, nice legs..wanna fuck?" but da besht one for me is up frunt an honesht.. "can I bend u over da bar n fuck u?" dat fer shum reasons alwayz werks after abut couple six aqua velva shooders and big bear beers..

Shaint Paul eh? fuck.. now dat town noes how to pardee! been pashed out under neeat da big peash pipe statshue between da bars many a time.. and da cops der, alwayz sho friendlee.. given rides, lettin u sleep off in da tank reel nishe guys, unlesh u pish dem off.. but Lenard's a luver, not a fighter aneemore, so dey reelly have da respect frum me and all my cuzins. manee people give dem a hard time, callin dem whities.. and yesh, i've been done dat before too, but we shuld not.. dey make sure we get off da cold shidewalks when we are pashed out, or taken care of in da winter.. dey definatee treet u better den dat fuckin rosie or shtella fuck I tell u cuzin!

and beshides, what u doin drinkin n drivin? dat's da number won cauze of shpillin da booze and breakin bottlez out der! sho don't drink n drive.. beshides, u don't wanna be runnin over ur cuzin or brudder lyin on da hiway after da rodeo dansh cauze u were sho pissed up u kuldn't shee now do ya? dey wuld get bedder and den dey wuld beat da pish out fo u! I noe dat.. cauze my yunger brudder got da pish beaten out of him fer doin da exact shame ting! so don't fuckin drink n drive cuzin!

shee u one day in shaint paul cuzin by da shtatue!

Lenard

thunderchild truly we lost a real brocket 99 fan on march 10-th ERNIE ANDERSON tha biggest ACDC BROCKET FAN in this world i think we should give ernie a big salute REST IN PEACE 1978-2005 r.i.p ernie still blowing doja for ya cuz i know your up their working rock on acdc 99% all tha time on brocket 99 rockk onnnnn!!!!! Deer tunder: Shumtimes Lenard gets a ledder he reelee haz to tink abut, becauze it's touched him deeplee.. we ferget dat shumtimes mushik, comedee and radio play big roles in da cuzins life.. I wuld like to apologize fer not getting to dis shooner, but fuck.. shumtimes dats how it goez! I am reelee shorry to heer about ur loss of ur friend Ernie "Scar" Anderon.. It is tragik when shumone sho yung pashes away! but he is definately in da bedder playsh (wit no whities! and all da shtuff dat we wuld have to paye for here!) lewkin down on u and keepin u shafe frum all da fuckin whities! sho remember da good times (or get shum video or piktures if u get show pished dat u cant remember so dat u can!) u tu had togeddur and don't ferget to CRANK UP DA ASHEE DESHEE in his memorie! Don't ferget he is never trueelee gone, cauze fuck, dat's jusht da way it iz! laff, cry.. it will help! We all her at da Brocket 99 familie will all raise ur big bears, branavans, lysol cans and whiskey to him! We remember da loyal fans n cuzins! May Ernie "Ride On" to dat eternal hunting ground in da shky! Tanks fer riting! Lenard

Hey dere Lenard,

I'm in a real bind here, brudder. I'm a half-quarter-blood of native(it shows up mostly when I tan in da shummer ), and the resht of me is whitey.

I just want to know, can I still get my huntin' card, or would da grandfathers think I'm just another europeen sheep fucker lookin' for free venishun and cheap shmokes?

Shigned,

Well u can try and appley to dem Metis or shumtin like dat, but fuck.. I'm a full blooded tuff buck frum Brocket, sho I don't no nuttin abut anyting to do wit da half breeds or abut how whities do tings.. sho yes, ur jush anudder sheep or chicken fucker tryin to take advantash of evereeting dat we get wit beein a naytuv! u will take it away frum a cuzin who deshperatley needs da venishun and da shmokes!

Max Louie
Hey There Lenard!

Its me again Max i want to know you come to victoria B.C. to the place called the OPEN DOOR for street bums and come and smoke some Crystal Meth aka "Jib" oh have you drink BULLMAX beer you drink it with a straw you get fucked up, you come and see me my adress is 122 menzies st. apt. 213!

tanks fer da info.. I have not been on da island der fer many moons.. I wuz a preddee yung buck da lasht time I wuz der.. der wuzn't even any met back den! jush shmack. but any playsh dat a cuzin can pardee in public is preddee gewd eh?.. as fer dat shtuff, a I heard a cuzin of mine tried da met, and shaid it wuz grayt, it wuz like doin six cans of lysol and aqua velva shooters and branvan all at wonsh.. dey shaid it dough it did not lasht long.. I tink dey are fuckin lyin, cauze nuttin is like doin a branvan, aqua velva and lysol all at wonsh.. take it frum won who noes!

Stinky moose bottom

I have a serious problem you see, I went to a pow wow a few days ago, and they had this REALLY sexy fire-dancer by the name of Little RedFox, and the way she moved with those torches made me one very horny buck, so I took her back to my trailer after the pow wow, gave her a few glasses of lysol and then I had my way with her, and damn was she good. But then I found out she was only 13 so it pissed off the whitey cops and they're looking for me, and also I found out that she's my long lost brother's little sister! Now my brother wants to cut my head off. And to top it all off, my squaw found out and she's threatening to leave me! What should I do??????

ah yesh.. clahshic shtory of how da hot yung hunnies get ush tuff bucks in trubble everyee time! yesh.. 13 is a dangerush age, cauze fuck, da way dey dresh and lewk, dey lewk legal, almosht lewkin like dey have da white card fuck! dats why u gots to find dem 14 an abuve, sho dat da cops aren't lewkin for yah! u can fuck em an leave dem, and der social werker can't charge ya!

now dat udder ting, fuck cuzin, ur own shister.. I can shee ur cuzin, but dat's fuckin shick.. dat's why u alwayz need to lewk at der white card.. if dey don't gots won, no madder how hot dey appeer, don't fuck dem if dey aren't older den 14!.. dish will shave ur schalp in da end! and gewd chansh will keep ur indian ass out of jail! if dey don't have a white card, ask dem fer der drivers lishensh, cauze fuck dey gots to get to da powwow or into da bar shumhow!

I tink u shuld lay low fer a while.. go she shum cuzins up not or out of da provinsh.. by den, ur shister will be bangin shumone else.. maybe will have a papoose of her own, ur brudder will be in jail fer tryin to kill u, and u'll find yershelf anuuder honee.. maybe won frum hobeema who's almosht 18 and gona get a shitload of monee.. dat wayz, u can laff at ur old ladee when u drive back to da rez in da new truck dat ur honee bought u!

Ooooo, hello! My name is MILVIN CABOOSE. I write to you from the rural municipality of BROKENHEAD. Oooo hello BROKENHEAD....please write me words of wisdom for i am in great troubles. I need money, the funds, to get to Portage La Prarie. Please write back with words of wisdom, oh great LENARD!!

Fuck, Brockenhead? I got pished der two munts ago! had a reel gewd time! Oh fuck.. u need to get to da great providnensh of da manitoba eh? well fuck, better shtart da hitshiking den cuzin! put if u are short of da fundsh, den u mite have to shell da 65 chevy dat's in ur frunt yard! der's guys dat buy dat shit and tow it away.. udder den dat, u can shell da empty boddles of pop and jack daniels.. now if u are really strapped fer da cash, den u can alwayz hitch hike! da cops don't fuckin care if you do it or not, so fuck, it mite take u a bit longer, but shum cuzin will feel shorry fer u (or maybe shum whitie) and take u dare.. and u mite only have to give dem sexshual favers only onsh! I tink dat werks out gewd fer da both shides!

Frum Tommy Twofingers: I'm stuck in Taiwan teachin' the englishey to these charly chan china manes and me got a hard one for a native. China native that is! Is it true that the china man walked over some o the ice between the Canada and the other place ands theys was our trure broders..... any way is it ok to pitch a tent with our yellow cousin??????? Deer Tommy: Holy fuck cuzin, how da hell did u end up all da whay in da Taiwan? were u drinkin at da airport again an pass out in da baggage playsh? I don't even noe were da fuck dat is, sho it musht be da far away! But dat does not mean I don't noe about taiwan.. I taiwan on every fuckin weekend cuzin! oh fuck, who is Lenard tryin to kid, every day! I taiwan on and get pished! as fer us cumin frum der, yesh, it's true cuzin! dey were chasin da elusive great white buffalo.. so yesh, we were der first den after we crossed da bridge, da bridge fell in and we gots stuck here, den da whities came, it wuz trajik.. hmm I shuld rite a ledder to da chinese and shay, hey! dat wuz ur land firsht, give us our monee! Again today I'm kiddin.. I wuld get shum whitie to rite to dem! cauze fuck, I ain't, cauze I hear dey like kill da people fer shpeakin up, havin land claims, dat stuff.. dey kinda had like an Oka but der army don't fuck around and dey killed em wit da tanks! sho remember cuzin, if u start talkin about da rez and shit, don't start a road block, dey'll scalp ur whole head off! now as fer da yellow hunni.. remember what Lenard always shays, white women may be hot, but dey are nuttin but trubbles! if it's white it's not rite, jush mellow cuzin, always go wit yel low! hey fuck, I gots to remembers dat one.. so yesh, shay go ahead pitch ur tent into as much reel poon tang as u can! as well, den u don't have to put up wit squaw bullshit after da deed is done, cauze dey can shpeak da engleeshey! u can moves on to da nexsht one, jush make sure u don't pick one dat speaks ur langwage! me and all da brudders on da rez salute da great ting u are doin over der! poontangfully urs, Lenard

What wuld I plan? Well fuck it doesn't madder if she's 16, 25, 33 or 66.. if it's a burdday, den it shuld be shpent doin only one ting.. drinkin, yellin and loiterin! fuck partee on cuzin! jush tell da cops it's her birdrday and dey won't even arresht her, no matter how many squaws she beats da pish out of fer hittin on u! fuck dey won't even trow her in da drunk tank! dey mite even let her play wit da lites and da siren of da patrol car too!

before da drinkin starts doh, take her out fer shum chineeze fewd. trush me on dish. Dat shows dat ur cultzured and willin to spend shum cash on her.. she'll remember dat meal fer years to cum! den get her a shee dee or a casset tape surprise her.. maybe shum George jones or dwight yokam if she likes da countree or u can't go fuckin wrong wit Ashee Deshee or nazaret. Da pawn shops are a gewd playsh to find dem. she will reellee tink u care!

jush remember dat if u spoil her like dat and get her pished up, make sure she drinks at least 33 drinks too.. be ready fer da ride of ur life latter on da mornin or dat nite.. she's gonna ride u like da stalleon.. u bedder be ready cuzin! bedder give her at leasht 33 minutes of da luvin, one fer every birdday..

Hey Lenny dere. I got da Ford Galaxy stuck in da ditch again fuck. It wasn't from da Big Bear beers I drank, I swear it ahhhh! I just got dese dizzy spells anaways! Next thing I know, into da ditch. Its been dere since last tursday and I need it dugged out so I can go back to da rez anaways. Oh no, what am I to do??

Fuck you Kunter, I noe u pound back six to 12 of dem big bears a day, den u go pick up ur old lady frum da bingo noe wunder u crashed ur car! Dizzy spells huh? I tink she was gummin ya and den u hit da ditch! yer lucky u didn't get ur moosegoose bitten off der cuzin! Well fuck, as fer da galaxee. if it's been der sinsh tursday, der won't be much fuckin left fer u to dig out! But I'm sure u culd get ur tires back at da pawnshop fer cheep! and da hubcaps tu.

But dis is what u gots to do.. u need to go to da insurinsh playsh and tell dem dat u got run off da road by shum whitie redneck fucks. Den day can help u get da money back sho u can upgrade to maybe buy a 67 imapala or maybe an el camino, or maybe a chevy truck.. go down to brocket used moders and shee whats dey gots.. you'll be cruzin da rez in ur rez rider in noe time!

Hey Lenard! I was just wonderin how many cans of lysol you can slam back safely before ya pass out. Hope to hear from ya bro.

I tink I mite huve anshwered dis queshun earlier on, but fuck.. I don't remembers! Anywayz, I tink my record is six, but dey were not all da shame flaver. I tink it wuz a mixshed box a cuple of fresh schent 2's, one country schent, two regular and da one dat reallee put me out, da crishp linen. It mite work fer da squaws but it doesn't werk fer a tuff buck from brocket after 5 udder cans of lysol! I'm glad clarence and percy wer der to not let me fall into da fire!

O yesh horsh, I remember does daysh! we wuld get ur brudders to bring ush shum booze, we'd get pished and den I wuld shteel shum steel tiped hollow points frum da hunt an hook and u wuld pervide da guns.. gewd times! did u ever get anudder great white buffalo? I noe u brout ur tribe great preesteege when u gots da 1st one! Beet out all da udder whities lookin fer it too!

Merry X-mas everybodee! shorry I've taken sho long to get back online, but dat's what happens wit all da parties and cuzins dat I gots.. I have a nite off from all da shpeakin and da x-mas pardees, sho I tout.. fuck, I bedder fuckin ansher my fans.. all umm ten of u's! and plush, I've been preddy pished up too..

Now on to da ledders:

Frum Ima Nipper:

I'm out here on da reserve eh, and i need to get a fuckin case of Jack Daniels for my cuzin. I was wonderin were the closest outlet i could get one is.

Is dis dat fuckin Vostok Hazard guy again? fuck cuzin,dis shounds like shumtin he'd ask again. I'd like to help u out but fuck, you did not tell me what rezurvayshun u are on.. even dough I'm quite nolegeable about lots of tings on da rez, I shimply don't noe every licker shtore in da province.. But, if u live near Brocket, u can go into Pincher Creek or Lethbridge and hit many of da shtore's der fer shum jackl daniels. Anywhere elsh, were fuck go shteal a map! What do I look like, a ture guide to da licker shtore?

Hey der everyone, shumtimes Lenard gets da ledders frum da whities who well, have shmoked a bit too much of da peyote or drank to much of da firewater and it's made dem fuckin crayzee.. I do not noe whys dey email me, but shinsh it's da holidaze, I'll try and help shum of da whities out.. or at least get dem pished up.

if u like to fuck a pretty icecream lady what could i do. because i want to fuck her what can i say thats way i could fuck her.please tell me

well what's me fuckin a hot icecream lady gots to do wit u? I like to fuck dem, cauze fuck dey make it fun wit all dat ice creem.. it's cold, den u warm it up.. fuck dat gets dat teepee growin jush tinkin about it.. plush dey fuckin eat da ice cream all day, dey are a little fat sho no whitie wants em.. dat's da kind of woman dat is' easy pickins fer Lenard!

Dis is what u shuld do find one who's a whole lotta of woman (like Rosie and Shtella and Prishilla) and den shtart buyin lots of ice creem jush from her.. den flirt wit her, and witin da week.. she'll be wantin u nick. if dat don't work, shorry my advish usually jush works on da cuzins..

y? because dat fuckin whitie pete shtole da name from da blackfoot guy by da name of Erni moss.. dat fuckin guy pete took fuckin erni fer a ride, told him about all da monee dey wuld make shellin da shtuff, and den fuckin pete got fuckin Erni drunk and fuckin conned (fuckin shtole) da name away and got won of dem fanshy whitie patentsh tings so erni got fucked over YET again by whitie!

next week, da remains of clayton magnet, have dey been found, or is it jusht anudder load of bullshit?

So hey Lenard, have you heard about the crazy shit that is going on out here in Britsh Columbia? Or more specifically the Penticton Indian Reservation. There are frigin unlicenced helicopters flyin' to and fro out and people gettin' shot and shit. Man it's intense.

I heard shumtin trough da shmoke shignals of shum heavee land claim goins on in beeshee.. Dat culd be what I heard/shaw about. shootin people? helicopters bein flown by da drunks? lots of drinkin, yellin and loiterin, dat shounds like a friday nite on da Blood rezurvhashun by Cardshton! but I shouldn't make lite of ur sishuwayshun. it can be intensh if u are new to its. I tell u what shuzy. da next time shit goes down, hop on da greyhound and cum an visit ur new friend Lenard. I'll show u around Edmonton and Calgaree and we'll have a gewd time.. how abouts it?

I have had the Brocket 99 CD for a few years now and every time I play it my mind wanders back to around 1956 when it was still illegal to sell liquor to the "Indians" as we referred to you guys. My grandfather and father and I would visit the reserve once per month with a flatbed truck full of moonshine. We would wait until everyone was there with their money in the air and then deal it out and get the hell out before the fun started. I can still remember some of the kids I played with at the time albeit for a very short time each month.

fuck dat wuz hard to shpell! I gadder frum ur ledder dat u are Etaleean? Fuck I bet u can drink as much as me and my cuzins! I'd reallee like to tank u fer da ledder.. I remember many moons ago shumone shpeakin of when da moonshine used to flow on a rez and nobodee tried to shtop it.. da gewd ol days like one of da guys I used to call dad (I tink it wuz dad #4 I can't remember dat far back) told me about.. he shaid dey always invited da whities to pardee wit dem after deliverin da pardee shuplies, but dey always refuzed.. but dey shaid dey had to get to anudder rez, so dey tought, dat wuz a gewd ting sho dey didn't get da shit kicked out of dem.. dey were helpin our udder cuzins out too!

my broder frum anoder moder, ever since u hit it big and got your own website you never send me smoke signals ne more. i was just wonderin if you remember the nights of heavy drinkin? but that was then and this is now. you probally dont hafta steal your rubbing alcohol now, or even put on your finiest headdress so the clerks dont think your a bum. i bet you even painted your tipi with the real indian paintbrush and not buffalo scat. well we natives got to stick to gether if the whities find out we have lost respect and are losing touch with our heratige they will try to finish us off. ne ways the real reason i am writting is because i was seeking legal advice. i beat the piss out of my old lady again and she said she gunna call the cops. and as you know they have those damn whittie for cops on the reserve now and i have a hunch you cant pribe them with the left over lysol from a pretty heavy night of drinkin. do you know ne way i could get out of this situation? i do!

see you at the tin dome friday when the cowboys play kiani. i have the lead role on the drum this game hope you can come see me rock and roll also can you play guns and roses sweet child of mine, kilija by the infamous hank williams and the classic acdc thunderstuck i need somethin to listen to other than the old lady while i drnk da lysol.

Holy fuck Kenton I tout u went up da river for 3 years lesh a fuckin day fer beatin up a whitie when he wouldn't give u da spare change fer lysol! As fer da shite, well it's not mine, it's dat fuckin michael anthonybrokenhead's, he's just lendin me dis space while I weave da words! Well I kinda remember ush goin out to da bar/housh/ravine/alley and doin shumtin.. memorie's kinda foggy.. musht have been all dat drinkin! but I do recall shtealin da rubbin alcohol.. ah does were da days.. dat's bringin a tear to my eye dish holeedaee seashon!

Well cuzin, I try and be da legal advish on da rez, but shumtimes u jush gotta get away frum dat bits, cauze fuck, it's usuallee her fault, but fuck I noe u's got a temper.. and she's a hot peish of ass, so when da cops come and busht ur ass, go peacefully, plead guiltee.. u'll be back in da can wit all da brudders and cuzins, and u'll have a playsh to shleep fer at leasht 3 monts, u'll get away from her, she'll be away frum u and when u cum back she'll be all shorry fer putting u away.. and don't worree I'll do my besht to take care uf her when ur gone.. I'll make sure none of da udder bucks try and nail her. And ure rite.. da fuckin whitie cops onlee get bribed by da coke (and not da 12 pack of da coca cola classhic) and dat shit to much not to use urshelf!

hows it goin ne wayz? i havent seen you in tree moonshines broder. i am just wonderin where the hell you have been for da lasht name dat tunes at da red feadar. if you wernt dere cuz u were doin some pretty heavy drinkin the least you could do is let me know ne wayz. i am goin out of town to chief mountain as a matter of fact i herd there were some buffalo spotted dere. i was gunna run them off head smashed in so it may take me a few days u know with the traveling and all. since i started pumpin back 10 or 12 beers a day i have put on a little wieght. but thats ok i will just do an extra raindance toburn it off. ne wyaz if you need ne thing just send me a shmoke signal in the west sky. If i am not to busy pukin from the plain lysol yukafluk i should pick it up after all my middle name is eyeslikehawk. big chief red flag gave me that name and he doesnt give a name like that for nuthin.

p.s. stop by and say hi to mom she had to see the medicine man i guess she fell down in her drunken stuper on the weekend at the rodeo slash pow wow.

Saa cuzin.. it's gonna preddee gewd! gots me shum jack daniels and branvan for x-mas! yesh, I have not been to da red feader fer many monts.. tanks to rosie and shtella, does bitches! I shewld try and cum down der maybe fer da new yearsh eve bash it's always shtabem fun!

fuck, a tatanka hunt? when is dat cuz? cuz fuk, I'm der! I can jus she da buffalo smashin in da ground.. cuzin, are u gonna get all dreshed up in da feaders and buckskins so da whities tink it's a show instead of da real ting? I remember doin dat a few years ago after a jack daniels yukaflux.. does shtupid whities tout it was shtaged! ah gewd times! and all da buffalo u culd eat and get in da trunk of da 55 chevy.. remember dat cuz?

Every once in awhile we receive a letter such as the one sent to Lenard from Blackfoot in October, 2004. It accuses us of hating Natives and speaks of the serious consequences of creating a site like ours.

"hi, think that it rude for you to disrespect native's like that! we don't do that to you caucasians so don't hate appreciate and you know serious stuff could come out of this and especially if you know who created this website!isn't it that Mark Campbell guy and he's on the news too well thats a shame. but i think thats cruel too not all native's drink so don't judge people before you even know them! "

I’m not sure how many times I have to say that Brocket 99 is parody. Do I have to repeat that I am part Native and very proud of my ancestry? Must I spoon feed people that just don’t understand comedy by pointing out that we all must have a sense of humour?

The letter mentions that Natives don’t make fun of white people. Although the writer of this comment may not poke fun, it’s absurd to say that any one race doesn’t make fun of another. It’s just not the case. Go to a Native message board. Read aboriginal accounts throughout history. It’s there.

As for the consequences. We're not in hiding. We've written to the AHRC. My name and email are available for all. I am not worried about any legal backlash concerning my choice of words. There have been a few letters and entries that I have passed on because they do not represent parody. Ask Lenard. I don't tolerate what I feel is hatred. But if any legal authority believes it will take this site down and or fine me, they had better get ready to take down Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle, Jim Norton, Don Burnstick and every other artists that works with stereotypes.

Creating comedy by exploiting our differences has been with us for thousands of years. It’s how we cope. It helps us to take pride in who we are. It makes us human. There is a huge difference between poking fun at someone and hating them. This site creates parody. What the reader does with it is up to them.

Hey lenard how are you doin anyways. I hear you like urinal cakes and I want to know if you can smoke them too?

well, Lenard is doin ok.. not tu good, not to bad... could be wurse I guesh..I culd be married again to Rosie! or Shtella! or to dat bits Sofee Onetoot she wuldn't give Lenard any luvin after I shpent da whole nite buyin her aqua velva shooders at da bridge inn da udder nite!

As fer da cakes, yesh I luv cake and pie, but u are rite.. but I don't like da blew ones gots to be da lemon or da pine schented white ones! de go down gewd wit big bears! da blew ones will make u shick. take it frum one who noes!

Have they fired lynol yet? Ya know they shouldnt fire him they should give the guy a second chance eh!!! what the fuck did he do anywayz? well im gonna go on with the rest of my letter.so i heard that it was Perlines birhtday and was just wonderin if she got the case of beer i sent her. i hope the mailman didnt drink it all cuz then il be pretty pissed off. so not much goin on in my neck of the woods just that my old lady wants me to get a second job so i can buy her a car. I have to pay for everything out of my own pocket ever since we got off the welfare 4 months ago which by tha way was her fucken clever idea. so whats new in brocket anything new or all the same stuff? i gess youll be goin ice fishen in a couple more monthes, hey let me know when your goin then ill come along and u can supply the beer and ill supply the smokes. Do you smoke the peter jackson cigaretts cuz thats what ill bring. well gotta go job hunten . Say Hi to perline for me.

fuck.. shorry to take sho long to get back to u cuzin, tings have been kinda rough for lenard. tings aren't goin da rite way lately.. lots of whitie produced bullshit I guessh. As fer Lynol, I am not sure cauze I reallee don't talk to dat fuckin guy.. Shumone shaid he wuz a member of da big cheif's counshel, but who da fuck noes. Oh fuck.. dat's what I fergot to do! I new dat der wuz a partee I had to go to, and it wuz Perline's.. sho shorry I don't noe if she gots da beers or not. Fuck cuz, when u goin to skid dat fuckin bits of urs? she's nuttin but fuckin trubble.. take my advish, go down to hobeema, find urshelf a hunnee who's almosht 18 woo her, den when she's 18 and gets da cash, get da fuck away frum ur skuaw and da job all will be well! As fer da fishin, I reallee don't do dat.. it's too fuckin cold out! but tanks fer da shmokes anywayz..

cool web site is the shit i,m part native and love drink pilsner beer is the bomb beer and love big bears to and all real deal shit man you guys rock keep up good work dudes hope hear from you on my emails peace out dudes rock on yaaa baby

tanks a lot! u must be frum da nortern part of Saskatchabush der.. cauze ur da only cuzin dat admits dat u drink pilsner over da big bears! I will pash along ur werds of thanks to da two real powers Michael Antonybrokenhead and da man Ernie Scar himshelf. I'm just a low cuzin on da totem pole!

I wazsh at da pawn shop in Wetaskiwin trying to pawn shum of my shit off dat i bought when i got da 18 money last shummer, cuz i wazsh broke, and have no job..and da government sec don't come in till tuesday...but those whites in dere only gave me 5 bucks for all dat shit.not even enough to buy shum KFC or Lysol to sniff...Not to metion da Jack Daniels. What da Fuck should i do Lenard?

fuck.. dis is a heartbreakin shtory.. manyee a time I wuz pished and broke (mainly pished ah ah) and dem fuckin whities at da pawn shop fucked me over on da herbicide prishes. But I wushn't az luckee az u doh cuzin gettin da tready monee and shit but anyways.. shinsh u shaid u were frum down der near wetaskiwin, u gots to noe lots of hunnies down der in Hobeema land der dat are almust 18! dis is da besht piece of advish I can give a yung buck shtartin up in da whitie world.. find yershelf a almosht 18 year old down der.. make her feel shorry fer u (u allready got da shob fuckin shtory down pact.. look who u gots answherin ur kewstshun! Lenard!) and shoon u'll find yurshelf goin from drinkin da listerine in da ravine wit da cuzins to drinkin Jack Daniels wit her INSHIDE and getting shum luvin AND gettin da KFC all da time.. den when she's almost broke u dump her ass and start goin out wit her cuzin/sishter/neesh (or all tree if u can handle dat) who's almost 18.. follow dat advish and u'll be shet fer life der Houshton!

hello der everybodee! u noe, as da only native advish cullum in da land, shumtimes life does get old Lenard down.. yesh shumtimes I get depreshed like da whities.. da nites of da aqua velva yuckafluxs, jack daniels and listerine one can't keep goin at dis breakneck shpeed forever.. fuck even da shpeakin dates have kinda slowed down, I can't even get Rosie and Shtella pished off anymore.Hell deer old lenard hasn't gotten any luvin lately eidder.. I shay to meeshelf, why da fuck do I go on? I am be doin any good? Am I reelee helpin my fellow brudder/cuzin/shishter? But den I get a ledder like dis, and a part of me noes why I am doin dis.. fer da hunnies! I tink!

hi, think that it rude for you to disrespect native's like that! we don't do that to you caucasians so don't hate appreciate and you know serious stuff could come out of this and especially if you know who created this website!isn't it that Mark Campbell guy and he's on the news too well thats a shame. but i think thats cruel too not all native's drink so don't judge people before you even know them!

Well, tanks fer ur ledder. I guesh u don't get poor Old Lenard's shensh of humor! But I call bullshit on natives not makin fun or takin advantage of da whities! I have many white friends (who I bum shmokes and spare change off of on occasion who tell me dey can't walk down da street at night in Lethbridge or in Edmonton cause of da natives harrasin dem or trying to beat dem up) Yesh, I do no who created dis website, if u wuld hav botherd to read on here, Michael Anthony (nee Brokenhead) is da guy who created this website, and he's also PART NATIVE. (so he can't be all dat bad!) Obviously as well you did not read the interview (no not wit Iris Lariat) with Mark Campbell where he states that it is NOT him who did the tape. Mark Campbell had nuttin to wit it! Da real Ernie Scar came forward, and it wuz NOT Mark Campbell. Leave da poor guy alone to do his cullum and da weadder on da tv! Pleaze feel free to email him (Ernie or Michael) on da frunt page and leave Lenard to answer da reallee preshin ishues of life.

I noe manee natives dat don't drink,don't have kids wit learnin disabilities cauze dey were drunk when pregnant wit dem, hold jobs and are pillars on da rez and in da communitiees dat dey live in. I even noe a cupple dat even pay taxes! They are da pride of da modern generashun of native Americans and Canadians dey are da leaders of tomorrow.. Me dough, I jush don't hang around wit dem (okay, dey got da restrainin order against me, but dat's anudder shtoree!) but I noe who dey are.. So I really take offense at ur ledder.. remember, if u can't laugh at urshelf, who can u laff at!

I'm off to da nort.. gonna partee wit shum Cree.. I guessh bein Blackfoot u wuld probably find da offensive tu! At least dey laff wit Lenard (okay shum times dey laff at me tu, but I'm a tough buck frum Brocket.. I can take it!)

Let's not fite no more.. let's shmoke da peace pipe, if u dont' mind shmokin wit shumone who's half Cree..

Hey, do you know what time the beer store opens? And do you also know what the jackpot at bingo will be?

Well, I do no dat da bingo in Pincher Creek dis weekend will be a minimum of 1500 dollars, dependin on how many people will be der. It's da end of da munt when da treetee checks cum in, so der shuld be lots of cuzins der! I'll be der, cauze fuck, Lenard's do!

Don't ferget too, dat da Brocket Braves hockey team will be shellin da hotdogs, pop, chips and bannuck and shtew at da bingo before and after, to raize monee fer shum new unifroms and der trip to da big mall in Edmunton fer dat big hokee turnament ting dey gots der.

shpeakin of hot dogs, I'm gonna go see dat fuckin Lenny Rednuts in conshert down at da Bridge Inn! I gots a score to shettle wit his fuckin band.. nobody fuckin makes fun of me grandmudder and gets away wit it. I'll scalp dem da rite way! fuckers..

Frum Shawn Squawchaser:

eh man, great stuff u do. *drinks lysol* best song u guys got is either
Every Squaw i Screw or Lysol rap. anyways keep up the good stuff, u mother
fuckin whitie:P

tanks a lot der cuzin, but dat's not me shingin does shongs, nor is it Lenny Rednuts (dat fucker) but Lenny's got anudder sheedee cumin out shoon, so keep lishen, u might even her Lenard (dat's me) playin one of da geetars on it! I hear der's a tour goin out wit da Dick Twang band.. if it cums to ur town, don't fuckin miss it!

and don't u be callin me a white cuzin.. I jush might have to get drunk and shend rosie and shetlla after u..dey can have der way wit ya.. oh wait.. u'd enjoy dem two cumin after u and doin dat.... ah fuck it.. I owe u one anyways! conshidered it done cuzin!

sqauwchaser? after rosie and shtella find u, u'll be squawrunning (away!)

u noe it's all in good fun cuzin..

Lenard

Frum carter flamingarrow:

HOWS BROCKET? U STINK!

Brocket's beautiful dis time of year.. it's reallee preddee.. Brocktoberfesht is da besht tiem of da year!
well dat's a really nice ting to shay to dis buck who's reallee tryin hard to help da bucks and da hunnies out. I shtink? dat's not my body odor, dat's da aroma of luvin dat makes Lenard da hot buck dat he is! it's part aqua velva .. u noe da little bit in da ting dat u can't get out when u do a shooter? part branvan, part jack daniels and my shecret weapons.. a dab of old shpice and shum Hi Karate! it drives all da hunnies wild fer my bod..

But u wouldn't noe about hunnies chasin after u.. I recognize dat name uf urs.. u and Milton flamingarrow went to da big Rez in Ontario and gots married didn't u? don't fuckin lie about it! and u shay dat I shtink!

but whatever.. dat's ur businesh.. whatever u and milton do in da privacee of ur own teepee is not my concern!

I'm outta her like carter.. oh btw.. what da fuck kinda indian name is carter? go figure he's hot for Milton..

Lenard

I wanted to know if you ever fucked Iris Larat. I luv dat laydie. come on cuzin let ush in on da details

Aldoh u can she dat by my pickture dat I'm a hot buck and dat all da hunnies want to be wit me fer a gewd dosh of viteemen "L" , I can tell u da trewt. I never did fuck dat fat white bits Iris Lariat. Honeshly! Dat falls in da deepartments of my cuzin Ernie Scar. It sheems dat she really liked dem guys in da radio.. how do u tink she gots on da radio? she fucked all dem dj's or so dat's what dey told me.. Ernie Scar, Peter Yellowhorn (dey had a ting fer many years.. in seekret cause he wuz shtill luvin her after da fire!) even Johnnee gunn had a go wit her when his wife Perleen kicked his fat ash out in da cold. I guessh she needed shum koca kola klassic fer her whiskey too!

Besht bet is email my cuzin/brudder/guy dat owes me money and beers Ernie Scar care of his part of dis site.. he will tell u tings dat will really make ur braids shtand on end cuzin! jush don't be eatin, and I'll tell u now u won't believe dem all! He'll even talk to u about her mameries!

oh, I dew no one udder fuckin guy dat tuwered wit her, dat's Lenny Rednuts. I noe fer a fact dat he wuz wit her on several occayshuns on da same bill and wuz wit her beefor and affter da sho if u noe whats I mean! it was a very scary situashun all around!

Shorry abut da delay cuzins, many of u shent me da elektroneck shmoke shignal da laysht mont or sho.. fuck, it's been preddy fuckin buzy fer der ol Lenard! Been up and down all over da fuckin playsh! so no dat I gots shum time (no i am not in da jayl) I tought fuck! I bedder get to my adorrin fans out der in rezurvashun land! and for all does fuckin whities too, cause fuck, dey are people tu I tink! my shummer wuz preddee gewd to, got reallee pished lots, and fuck, da big pardee down in Brocket on da 1st, dat wuz a reel gewd time eh! Even my cuzin Ernie Scar wuz der shinin autografs and everyting! I even wone a fuckin box of shteel tipped hollow point bullets frum hunt n hook tu! too bad I don't own a fuckin gun anymores (fuckin whitie cops!) anywayz.. I shold it to my cuzin percy (not da one dat fucked Shtella and or Rosie) for a bottle of branavan and a bottle of Baby Duck.. had a gewd time! now on to da ledders:

First off, when you go to get all fucked up on a tuesday night like i do sniffin

gas and shit, what you like better anywayz? Regular *loooong sniff* or unleaded?

Drug store wont sell me fuckin Lysol no more, racist fuck. Second, wherez a good

Dear Joey:

Fuck, you lost me at Bowanalaniut! but den I see u are speakin da rezurvashun english, or as my cuzin in da nort calls it, Creebonics! but anyways, fuck, one more time, my name is Lenard, I don't go by Len, dat's my cuzin's sister's boyfriend's name.. anywayz, shinsh u are on da gasholine, I will fergive u.. DIS TIME! well, tanks fer da komplament, but da elders have der own very special place.. yesh dey are a fountain of da information about da world (before da whities came and fucked it up!) aldough I am honored, I no very little when u compare me to dem! anywayz..

I gueysh u didn't read my ledder of a cupple monts ago did ya cuz? Lenard has broken away from da sniffin of da gasholine, dat shit jush fucks u up and makes u crazee and depreshed like da whitie! I am even surprised dat u were able to shend me dis message, cauze fuck when I used to do it, I was fuckin pashed out on da park bench witin minutes.. anyways, back in da day, it was da regular leaded gash, but u cna't find dat shit no more! fuckin whities took it away! but I can say dat now, I jush stick to da drinkin and da occasional puff of da shweet grash.. dat's it.. remember, sniffin BAD drinkin gewd! as well, how da fuck u shuppose ot get da impala or da 75 Ford into town to get beers if all da gash has bun shniffed?

well fuck, if u live in a trailer like my current skuaw does (gots to live someswere before da snow hits!), der's usually a playsh underneet it to shtore whitie shit like a lawn cutter ting or a wheel barrel or garden shit.. so stick it in da apple juice cans under der if u shtill want to fuckin sniff, but I tell u, still store dat der so when da fuckin car runs dry u can jush go under neet der and den ur on ure way to da licker shtore! den dat way ur bitch can drink her gin fuckin shit.. it's real funnee when dey drink so much of it dey go blind.. dat's when da fun begins! but bad cauze den when dey go for more, dey can't see what dey are drinkin anymore!

As for dat guy cuttin u off at da drug shtore, obvusly u are not goin to my drug shtore guy down der in Cardston or Pincher Creek, Paddy Olanturn. he is sho pished up all da time he sells whatever u want, and he shtocks sixsh types of lysol! so fuck Joey, shtop sniffin, trow dat fuckin gash in da car and head down to fuckin Paddy.. tell him Lenard shent u, and u might even get a free can of lysol with a purchase of a dozen!

remember Joey, treat ur elders wit respect!

hope dis helps cuzin,

Lenard

To simply answer your queshun in da besht Lenard turms da korreckt reshponsh wuld bee FUCKIN A it is a big ting..

when elsh can u tro a fuckin sheet over da papoosh's head, have him run around he gets all da free fuckin candee frum da whities? we don't have to feed da fat fucker until two weeks later! I jush wish da drug shtore wuld fuckin give ush bucks a can of lysol if we would dresh up.

So yesh.. dat wuld be a good ting.. how abut a shum cardboard masks to go wit da shirts? jush in time for da halloween!

BigCol Hello there old boy, I am a Scottish man living in England and have great trouble with the local whitemen when I go around in my kilt. My question is, how many times do you have to punch an Englishman befor he will give you his respect? Happy trails, BC

Dear bigCol:

peopel shumtimes ask, Lenard, why don't u like whities? it's cauze of fuckin ledders like dis.. local whities? what da fuck? u wear a dresh, I don't tink u shuld be talkin to me, I tink u shuld be emailin Milton Flamingarrow! he's into dat shtuff! anywayz.. I noe abut da scots.. I shaw dat movie bravehart wit dat Mad Max fuckin guy.. bunch of fuckin whities in dreshes killin shum odder whities. dey all talked funnee too.. I fuckin don't noe, it wuz on da illegal cable dat dis one squaw I was bangin had.. I wuz pished and fuck, I saw killin, and shum tits, so I watched it.. it wuz kinda like how da cree an blackfoot use ta fight, witout da chantin and da powows or da teepees and da buffalo.. cum to tink abut it, it wuz notin like dat.. fuck it!

da onlee udder ting I heard abut da scotsman is dat da sheep ar skared when dey are around.. so I tink it's da sheep dat have da trouble when u come around! not da udder whities, fuck..

as fur how many times I have to punch a whitie, well fuck, I don't noe.. I never fuckin counted.. maybe u shuld cum heer to da rez and where ur dress ting and we can find out! I will get perlene flat tires to count, I tink she can count past ten! me and my cuzins will have shum fun! den u will noe!

oh, one udder ting, what da fuck is dis respect ting u talkin abut?

dis ledder is over, I'm goin home.. I've got bedder tings to do!

Lenard

joann

i live by the graveyard my brothers name is larry provost the child molester.he raped me when i was 12 years old,as well as my sister anyway can you meet me at my house on aug 28 at 6:00pm so we can talk well have some beers and stuff please VERY IMPORTANT

dear joann jumpinsquaw:

what graveyard wuld dat be? shorry I wasn't der on da 28th, but fuck, I have a life tu u noo! tanks for da offers of da beers, an all, I guyesh my advish tu u, even do I don' fuckin like dem, wuld be to call dem fuckin whitie cops and fuckin tell dem what u told me, cauze fuk, u are fuckin hurtin. and dat guy needs to be put in his playsh in da jail, dat's one ting even when I was der in da jail dat even da whities and indians fuckin agreed ap on was dat if u killed or raped shumone, lewk out!. or den u kuld call up my cuzin Jerry gunn and hiz cuzins sid and lonnie.. fer 50 bucks an a caysh of beer dey will fuckin do anybodee into da hoshpatal! and plush lonnie I am preddee sure ush to hang around wit dat fuckin guy Milton Flamingarrow a LOT, so maybe u can tell lonnie dat he can hav dis fuckin guy after dey ar finashed beatin da pish out of him!

fuck I need a shot of playn lysol! shorry folks, dis ledder wuz kinda disturbin to Lenard!

tanks a lot,

Lenard

big hairy squirrel nuts I fucked yer sister. Do I need to go to der fuckin Brockett free clinic

Deer mr. nuts

whut shister wuld dat be? fuck, I gots lots! and beshides only tu of dem got da shiftless and da clap! but wits tu, I don't noe! I du no one did have da crabs, but I tink dey gave her shumtin for it, or maybe she just shaved , fuck I don't noe abut da odders, dat's der shit,not mine!

u only have to go to da free clinic if da burnin green pish turns brown or if da red shpots on ur cauck turnn black.. udder den dat, fuck don't worree abut it, oh, wait if da crabs migrate frum ur balls to ur chest or head, den may bee u mite alsho wants to go in, den at least u can get shum new clothes an a new baseball cap!

I'm off like da scab on Rosie's squawsnatch..

Lenard

paul prairiechicken

hey cuzin
how did that speaken thing up north go? got drunk lots? anywayz i was in brocket last week i went looken for ya but u were somewher in fucken Grand prairie or fort macloed. so instead i stayed with your cuzin Cynthia tha same Girl i went into tha bush with a few months ago. and man for that week i was buyen her beer, clothes, smokes and jewlery i was treaten her like a princess. so one night we finished off tha beer and she sent me on a beer run and when i told her i had no money left she took one of tha bottles and throew it at me and then kicked me out i had to go get fucken stitches. well if you see her tell her she owes me some beer. well anywayz i gotta go so talk to ya la8ter
p.s. fire lynol

Dear Paulie:

shpeakin did fuckin great.. never tought der wuld be sho many cuzins (an hunnies) up dat way! yesh I got pished a lot, real gewd time!

shorry to her abut u and dat fuckin crazee bits Cynthia! she's da closhest ting to a whitie in my familee! I am shtill shure dat she haz to be part whitie, cauze all da bucks are hot fer her, and well fuck, u noe dat she shtill lewks preddee hot fer havin 5 kids! yesh, she does have a temper too.. why do u tink she gots no man in her life rite now? she's nown as da crazzee bits from shtand off! she definatelee likes to get shpoiled an she will put out, dat is until da treetee check runs out, jush like a whitee woman! sorry abut not tellin u dat, but fuck, dat nite u first met her, I wuz drinkin wit Lenny Rednuts, and fuck when me and him tie one on, we don't come home fer daysh, cauze fuck we hit all da native hotspots and all da skuaws want his autograft an hiz kids n shit.. son of a bits I tell yu!

I'm gone like my treety check in 2 days,

Lenard

Sinsh when did I shay get off our land? I don't tink I ever said dat.. but den again, I fuckin mite of. anyways. We mite not like u whities, but fuck, we noe dat u work hard fer ush! shumtimes we do takes u fer granted, cauze fuck, ur sho easy to con.. umm I mean take advantage of! me and my cuzins mite shay "kill whitie" but we don't mean it, cauze ur rite, fuck witout u, we'd actulee have to do dat work ting.. and dat's fuckin scary! I noe, I've done odd jobs for cuzins and whitiees alike, and dat's no life fer a hot buck like me! dat's why I try and tell people not to be show mean to whities dat are willin to give ush shtuff, on rez's all over da playsh!

oh wait a minute, I did wonsh shay "get off our land" cauze well it was a partee on da rez and shum whities showed up witout booze, so yesh, ur rite, I did shay "get off our land" cauze fuck, if u come to partee, u better bring ur own booze!

ya, we're just sayin that u can get a cheap high off of mouthwash eh, good luck, rock on, oh ya, where can i get a good pair of moccasins and cheap pam?

Saa moutewash is da gewd shtuff.. shcope and da lishterine ish da besht! well da Brocket general shtore hash shum really cool moccasins.. out of deer shkin and I tink even out of ledder! but I usuallee get my moccasins at da pow-wow down in Brocket. Der's da guy down der, Benny Beaverballs dat makes da moccasin's so good, dey squeek! tell Benny dat Lenard sent ya, and he'll make u a pare of da squeekee moccasins!

Hey there you want to come to Victoria B.C. and drink some Bullmax with the stram and get pissed and hang out at the Douglas Pub!, you want to come and fuck my niece and we can do here up the poop shout!

fuck, actualleee I was in da Beeshee der da udder week.. I wuz doin shum speakin up where da cuzins were doin dat reallee gewd mushrooms and da sweet grash.. we were sho fucked up.. da fuckers tout a whale was der chief! I tink on my comin down one of my cuzins took me to da Douglash pub fer big bears.. it wuz my kinda playsh!

what da fuck kinda indian name is Vostok? sounds fuckin whitie too me! da beer shtore fuckin opens da shame time evereedaee cuzin.. u shuld no dat! buy urshelf a watch (or shteal one) and shtop buggin pewr old Lenard! I'm fuckin shtill buzin frum da aqua velva yukaflux frum 2 nights before!

Were can I get a great big case of lysol? I need sum for my...um...wife...'s baby.

Well fuck, you can get lysol almosht anywhere cuzin. Fuckin go to dem fuckin shupershtore or fuckin shafeway, dey have it on speshial der! fuck if you are sout of da border (for my cuzins in fenix, or core da lane or spokane) jush go to walgreens, walmart or da target shtore.. but if yu reallee wants a great deal on cases of lysol, can't beet da fuckin K-mart! k is for kuzin u noe!

umm for ur wife's baby.. well lasht time I heard about shtuff like dat, wouldn't dat make it ur babee too? ah fuck.. quit fuckin lyin.. we all noe da lysol is fer u! beshides.. we all noe dat fuckin babies can't pop da can.. dey need to feed on da squaw's tits until da day when dey can eat (and drink) on der own! besides, we're all tough bucks.. dat's what I'm here for, to give da advish for hard up bucks like u! der's nothin to be ashamed of cuzin!

Sorry to shay Chris, dat ur guesh is as gewd as mine! Aldough Ernie is my cuzin and we are closh, I'm not reallee too shure about when da nexsht Brocket might cum out.. cauze I knoe dat sinsh da fire, it's been really fuckin hard to find people to rent ush a new radio stayshun! Dat's all I knoe rite now, but maybe u shuld shend an electric shmoke shignal to my cuzin Ernie Scar and ask him yurshelf, cauze I do noe dat like Lenard, Ernie anshwers all his fans! unless he's at da bridge inn gettin pished, den buy him a beer and ask him der!

Frum Jimmy SniffsDaCork

Me and shum of mah bucks are planning to rob a Subway(ya kno...dat place
where da whites get dos sandwiches)...well, anyways it's located in Hobemma on
da rezervation..just guk'n opened anywayz...we just want to get da bread...don't
waste time on condiments..just get da bread,, fuck!!Last time we robbed dat
Subway in Ponoka...Wilton got aroused by da schent of da oven cleaners(a common
household disinfectant)...And he hopped over da glass and he tore dah crotch
outta his brand new pair of sweat pants!...And also lost one of his sneakers,
and got a concushion when he fell, he hit his head on da bread oven...So we
wheeled him outta der in a grocery cart we found in a ditch shumwhere...And he
threw him in da bak of da Astro Van...But dat fucker squished all of our
Empties...dat fuker...Dat was'nt a good idea..Al we's was shum of dat good
subway bread so we could make shum pam&cheese sanwhiches....Anywhays Wilton was
all fuk'd up on drugs and shit later dat evening....and!
he bet me a bucket of chiken at bingo dat i could'nt suck back five bingo
dabbers in three minits..So he's owes mw sum KFC chiken...don't ferget da
graaavvvy!!!But dat fuk'er ran off and is hiding up by Standoff...He stole of of
ma Branvin...Shit Lenard....Whut should a young bhuck like me do about dis
problem???

Mmm.. ur makin ol Lenard heer preddy fuckin hungree! mmm pam & cheeze on shubway! fuck, I tell u I have not had dat in a long fuckin time! fuckin shounds like Wilton can't contol his fuckin emotions.. he's too fuckin eager, but I musht shay, u bring him along fer laffs don't ya Jimmy? cause I'd love to have sheen him fall an hit his head!

Anyways, fuck.. dat's a pretty good fuckin record u got der.. 5 dabbers? right on! anyways, I'd fuckin get a war partee togedder to find dat guy, fuck u don't mesh wit a man and his fuckin buket of chicken (and da ting of gravee) and his Branvan! u fuckin hunt dat guy down to da ends of da rezurvashun until justish or ur food and booze is served! and u shuld make dat guy buy u two bukets of chicken and anudder bottle for fuckin off! den have him sherve u like a good squaw!

Brenty Shotindahead:

howz it goin anyways. IM from ponoka and was wonderin what the fuck goes on anyways. I love Brocket 99. Clayton magnet is my cousin anyways. Are you whiteys coming out wit a new cd anyways?
Der is a kicken pow wow in Hobbema dis weekend. email me back anyways

Dear Brenty

goin pretty gew saa.. Panoka? fuck.. do u noe Harry Onenutsack? I here he is at dat fanshy hoshpital wit all da gew drugs n hug me jackets.. yesh, I tink we all love da Brocket 99. it's sacred to da cuzins! Ah yesh.. Clayton was a gew buck.. always had a can of lysol to share! I mish him very much. As for Brocket 99, check out da udder ledder dat was shent to me, cause I explained it der.

Fuck.. Hobbema always has shum good pow wows.. and lots of hunies who are almosht 18 and are hornee for a buck like Lenard! better fuckin believe it dat I'll be der!

See u at da pow wow on da 12th!

Lenard

hows life treaten ya ? did thos whities give you back yer truck yet? I finaly kicked out my girlfried ya noe da one dat was beaten me up for my money. but she didnt leave wit out a fight she took a couple swings at me and gave me a black eye den she left swearing and yellen but now i think she found someone else to push around. have ya been goin huntin or fishin much? i havent been goin much since i got a job. how are da ladies in brocket doin? hey if you see any good lookin ladies give them my e mail adress or better yet give my email adress to Suzie ya noe da one whoes boy friend left her ? well i better get goin cause i gotta go and party but talk to ya later
bye
Paul

Dear Paul..

Life's preddy gewd eh.. fuckin tis friday, and da tready check is in da mailbox! gots to luv dat! No, shadly my Van is a ting of da pasht.. does fuckin whitie cops shold it at one of dem fanshy aukshun tings.. fuckers..

Gewd to hear dat u kicked dat fat fuckin free loadin no sex squaw out of da tipi! gew fer u cuzin! dat's gewd she found a new buck.. jush remember to carry dat 12 inch shank on u's, jush in casesh she shends dat guy after u! but fuck, I noe u can scalp him da right way!

Da black eye might work well wit da hunnies.. say u got jumped by a pack of young whitie punk kids.. dat always gets da hunnies feelin shorry for u and maybe shum shex later.. if not dat, den a couple of drinks anywayz!

Da nexsht part of ur ledder greatly disturbed me.. paul.. I cants believe u fuckin gots a job! what da fuck have I been shayin all dis time.. I fuckin better hope it's dat gig wit Lenny Rednuts (my re-veew cumin shoon of his shtellar Tuff Buck Fum Brocket sheedee) I told u about.. cauze fuck, u've jush losht all reshpect in Gault Gardens, Da Cromdale AND da Bridge Inn if u ain't wit Lenny!

Well i've been on da road myshelf, but I'm ashummin da hunies will be in fine form when I am down fer my cuzin's weddin on da 23rd.. fuck dats gonna be a good time.. shoot em up fun for da whole gang!
As fur sushie, well fuck, I don't noe where da fuck she's been hidin.. I have not sheen nor heard frum dat bits in a cupple of monts.. maybe she went out to Oka or fuckin Nigera Falls der to see shum of her cuzins.. I don't noe..

Anyways, did u try dem shingles shites I told u abouts? u might be able to hit dem.. I tink u jush need to go to more Powwow's, Round dances, and Rodeo's.. u'll find yurshelf anudder huney..

Shpeakin of honey.. I gots to go to da licker shtore and by shum big bears... have a great weekend Paul!

Big Bearfully yurs,

Lenard

Fuck, look at dat.. shinsh I've been doin dis shite, many "cuzins" have shaid dat dey were my cuzins! shum were full of shit, and udders, well fuck, my parents's familee wuz sho fuckin big, dey probablee are! anywayz.. I do noe of Joe.. we've drank all over da playsh, and I musht shay, he can definately drink more dan dat fuckin guy Earnie or whatever his face is.. even when Earnie is hi on da shuper-unleded gasholine! but he can't out drink meez!

Fuck, don't ferget joey, dat we gots dat fuckin wedding cumin up on da 23rd.. get der earlee sho dat u can share in shum of da wood alcohol dat I have in da freezer! if u are late and it's all gone, don't be boo fuckin hoo'n me, cauze fuck, unlesh u gets pulled over by da kops, den I'll undershtand.. or maybe not! who fuckin noes what I'll be tinkin (and drinkin) after da wood alcohol!

its paul hows it goin ? dat sure pissed me off to hear dat da cops sold your truck at da auction eh. I fucken hate dos basturd cops dey think dey are so fucken tough. Ya so hows da drinken? i been gettin drunk lots and a week ago i had some of dat 5 star den i got so drunk dat i sniffed some paint thinner. and latly i started drinken mouth wash. yah its better then bein sober dats for shure. So i heard u are dissapointed dat i got a job yah but it pays good its better den my last job when i was gettin low pay and da whole time i was worken der i had some chinaman yellen at me about every fucken thing and dey wernt even da boss. Yah so me ex girlfriend came to my place cuz da new boyfriend got sick of her and kicked her out eh and she wanted me to take her back so i told her wher to go but i hav this strange feelin dat she is gonna start buggen me till i give in. oh well she can go find some other buck cuz i wont put up with her shit anymore. Hows Perline doin is she still

I'm doin preddy gewd cuzin.. da shummer is here, and u noe what dat meansh! dat means it's rodeeo and pow wow time! it's when Lenard doesh hish besht hunnie huntin! fuckin bedder beleeve it!

yesh, dat wuz a very bad day for Lenard when da cops shold his van to a fuckin Dene fer fuck shakes! I wudda radder sheen a whitie own it, cauze den u noe dey wuld take care of it! shadly da van wazn't even shold for a week before does fuckers crashed it up near Assumpshun! jush like Clayton Magnet dat van is now gone forever!

Da drinkin's preddy good! can't fuckin complain.. lots of Big Bear Beers fer Lenard! whoa.. fanshy danshy 5 shtar.. what, yur former old lady pop out anudder pappoose for u to afford da gewd shtuff?

fuck don't u hate it when u got a big bossh or da big cheif always yellin, but not drunk or loiterin? dat really pishes me off too! fuck dem anywayz..

Well I'll take dat exsh of urs of ur hands if u'd like cuzin.. and yesh, I tink Perline is still with Horace Hatchethucker.. dat fucker! I'd like to she him try and throw a bottle at me.. I'd take out my tomahawk and shcalp him da rite way! den I'd take his rye and laff in his fuckin faysh..

yesh, I'm off to Paul, I gots a weddin to go to on da 23rd! sun of a bits I tell u, it's gonna be a gewd one! fuck, maybe see u der? I tout u were relayted to da bride..

Eh, anywayss eh....yeah...what daaa fuck ya doin wit me sister at the powow de odther daye anywayss!! I think sehs yor cousin to!!That would make us cousin unkle broddhers. So back off or i'll fuckin drop ya anywayss!!

Fuck I tell u all.. shum cuzins jush get too fuckin jealush over da hunnies.. anyways earnie, what fuckin sishter of urs was I wit? I was wit ur whole fuckin familee dat weekend! ur fauder invited me cause he was perplexshed about u and need shum help, so he told me I could have any pick of his dawters dat were over 18 or his sisters or his female cuzins. I actually ended up shpendin time wit ur Ant.. she's worried abut u too! here's a clue.. maybe u should shtop sniffin da super unleaded gasoline and get back to fuckin realitee, cause dat shit is no good.. makes u fuckin tink everybodee is out to get u.. remember, sniffin bad.. drinkin good! Don't make me have to cum down der and do a full blown intervenshun, cause dat won't be prettee! and shinsh u are so far gone, I'd have to double my reguler priysh..

As fur u callin me on.. I'll let it go cause obviously u are shtill hi on gasoline and it wuldn't be fair for me to kick ur ash all over Brocket! but if u get cleaned up and shtill tink u can take Lenard, all I can shay is.. jush bring it.. whitie! and pleaze, bring back up.. we'll have a good ol fashuned brawl, jush like before da whites came!

Hello everybodee! I hopes ur May long weekend (for all does fuckin whities dat werk, cause fuck, every weekend is like a long weekend on da rezurvashun!) was a good one, and dat u did plenty of drinkin, yellin and loiterin to bring in da shummer sheason! I will anshwer any email, no matter how shmall, but jush remembers, if you want to get shum help, yu's gots to fill out da form! Here's one I jush got today, short and to da point of bushinesh (jush like shum hunnies I knoe!)

Hey Joe! fuck, been a few years shinsh I shaw u lasht! is it true u went on shum kind of shpirit quest? or is dat jush what dey are callin a trip to jail nowadayz? anyways, big family partee cummin up in Brocket on da 23rd.. our cuzin Larry Bullfedder is getting married to Deloris Baldbeaver.. it's gonna be one fuck of a partee son of a bits I tell yu!

u fuckin bedder be der, I've got shum wood alcohol in da freezer jush waitin fer a spechial okayshun!

wats happenen? been drinken lots? i havent gone drinken in a while cause my girl friend been asken me for all my money and i giv it to her cause da last time i didnt she beat da shit out of me and she made me get a job too. i do wat she says cause she is fucken violent she just takes my money and goes to da bar and dont even bring me back som beer and i dont see any of dat money? all i got is a couple bucks

in my wallet dats it. Im affraid to kick her out cause she might get her brudders after me.wat da fuck should i do im in over my head

I'm doin preddy gewd.. I'm always drinkin.. found anudder flaver of da lysol for da hunnies.. Crisp Linen! gets dem fucked up preddy good and hornee too!! Fuck.. you needs to get away from da old lady before she ends up eidder puttin u in da hoshpital or vish versha! I bet da fuckin squaw is fuckin around wit johnny gun and clarance weaselfat too! what kinda squaw doesn't bring beers home fer her buck? dat's jush fucked up.. and leaves u with a couple of dollars, not even enuff to get a fuckin can of lysol! dat's trajik! no, sinsh u two ar marrieed, if u kick her out, she gets half da shit! but I gots a solushun fer ur problem! I am kinda lookin for an asshintant to man da shterreo equipment when I'm on da road.. u'd be da guy running da shtuff, gettin da booze (all u can drink!) when I do my inspirashunal shpeakin dates an rez's all over da playsh..

but I dat's about it..alsho, I tink do Lenny Rednuts might be able to help u out even more, cauze hiz band needs a cupple of roadies when dey go on ture.. go to his site and tell him ur sishuashun and maybe he can helps u out! den wit u drinkin all da time, partyin, goin backstage and meetin people like Johnny cougar fedder, da Tready bushters, and all da hunnies u can bang.. u get dat job, and all ur old lady's brudders will be wantin to kick her ass instead of urs!

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