Hello everybodee.. dis is Lenard here.. well who da fuck else do u tink it would be? anyways, I do appreeshiate all da ledder dat u shend me.. I really tink dat it's importunt to fuckin be helpful to my fell low cuzins. but dis ledder I gots today kinda got me cunfuzed.. dis isn't ur typical cuzin, so I am going to anshwer each sektion of dis ledder for u all, cause fuck, it confuzed me, so I tout I'd help u out.. pleaze feel free to shend a message to dis fuckin guy at da bawdom of dis ledder. cauze he needs all da help dat he can get.. and I tink ush cuzins could help him!

Tanks alot,

Lenard

And now on wit da ledder!

My greetings to you and your family overthere in your Country.The

reason i write this letter to you is because i have never been to your Country

before and i would like you to guide me through the most viable investment opportunities in your Country.

my country? oh don't make me fuckin laff.. it hasn't been our country sinsh da fuckin whities took it over and fucked tings over durin da fur trade! well fuck, if you aren't from dis country, why do fuck do you want to come over here? don't you noe where da fuck I live? don't u got fuckin books or cumputers where u are? typical fuckin whitie. and what da fuck is an viable investment opportunities? sounds like shumtin my cuzin Lyle hurtstoopee got from da hunny in Browing..

I cannot say that I have a particular reason why I choose to contact

you,it was as a matter of necessity that I contacted you for this project

without further investigation about your person, as I have compelled

myself to regard you to be of a responsible personality so there is no

standard criteria for chosen you, but I am certain that I shall ascertain your person before long, as I would get to know you better as the project progresses.

u musht be pretty pished or hard up if yu are tryin to contact deer ol Lenard! Reshponsible person? now I noe u musht be pished.. u musht have not looked at my pikture before shendin dis message. Get to noe me better? who da fuck is dis, Milton Flamingarrow?

If you can assure me that you can guide me through the investments

opportunities in your Country ,i will give you more details on how much

funds and how i want you to invest it.You will be expected to provide the ideas and we will finance it with the funds that i am going to send to you.

again wit da investment opportunities.. u better go get dat checked out cuzin..dat culd turn dat burnin green pish of urs black, and dat's bad.. and I don't want any fuckin details about ur investin in me! and fuck u, I ain't providin nuttin, unlesh u are a hunny!

I am presently an external senior Auditing staff in my bank in Nigeria.I want you to know that we trade with the bank's money.The total amount for the investment have been worked out from annual balance excesses in the last five years at the bank,i am working with some of my colleagues and we give out these funds to prospective individuals or companies that are capable of investing certain amount of funds.

Nigeria? isn't dat da playsh wit da fuckin waterfalls? I gots a cupple of cuzins der! got pished der onsh too. So u are skimmin shum cash from da bank der? u musht be related to da big chief der, cause dats all my cuzins shays he does too! got a good ting goin! fuck I wish I culdda tout about dat, but I'd rather go drinkin wit my cuzins.. da only funds I get are on da street corner or da treaty check! does dat count?

We shall agree on the amount we will be making monthly or yearly from the investment.We are doing this business on our own and the bank's management is not involved.

ah yesh.. even doh I only went to grade four, I noe a load of bullshit when I fuckin shee it.. shorry cuzin, u ain't getting my treaty check.. I gots squaws to try and impresh.. unlesh of course ur a hot piesh of ash..

This funds will be in the bank for the next ten to fifteen years which will give us enough time to invest and make profits. In order to commence the investment without delay and after signing a binding agreement,i can make provision for you to receive the investment Amount from Europe.

ten to 15 years? I ain't goin to do fuckin nuttin for dat fuckin long! dat shounds like fuckin jail, and I ain't ever fuckin goin back, aldough it is a warm playsh to shtay and I get fed tree times a day..on sekond tawt, let me gets back to u on dat! sign? everybody fuckin noes dat Lenard can weave da words, but he can't rite or sign anyting! Europe? da only time I'm europe is when I'm shtandin in line at da pisser in da Bridge Inn and da guy who's finished shays to me, fuck Lenard, ur up! (to hang a rat).. oh wait, isn't dat urup playsh where whities cum from? dat's scary!

Let me know if it is possible for you to invest on our behalf in your Country.Also let me know about Your Country's tax laws on investments in your Country.

tax laws? every fuckin cuzin noes dat cuzins don't pay any fuckin taxes, so stop tryin to fuckin bullshit us.. don't fuckin lie about it!

I will send you the all necessary details.

sure u will.. fuckin whitie.. I don't got a houshe, don't got no car (fuckin cops took it awayz!) not even a fuckin teepee.... how da fuck u gonna find me, by fuckin shmoke shignal? fuck..

The account that you are expected to provide will be a zero balance account and will temporarily be used to get the funds deposited in your custody. Because of the amount we intend to invest in your Country and because we are carrying out this investments on our own without the involvement of the bank ,We need to consider a more elaborate legal structuring to protect and preserve these assets so that our names will never be owned by us directly but these assets will be owned through a pure trust organization (PTO) and CONTROLLED by us only. To accomplish this aim and if you have the technical know-how,We'll conclude in the shortest time possible.I will expect your response with your full contact details as in your full name,fax and telephone or mobile number and your contacts address.

okay, my head fuckin hurts, and it's not from da lasht nite's lysol.. fuck dis fuckin ting is over.. I gots a fuckin head ache wit all dis whitie produced bullshit! I've got bedder tings to do wit my time.. I tink I'm gonna fuck head over to Lenny Rednuts shtudio, crack open shum jack daniels and shing shum songs wit him and play shum guitar.. dis fuckin is too much fuckin strain on poor Lenard's brain! fuckin whities son of a bits I tell u!

Endeavour to Reply Through My Email Address: mark33362003@yahoo.co.uk

Regards,

Mark Philips

tanks alot,

Lenard

Tansi
Tanks for da picture of pirline. Dat pictur was nasty. and to ansher yer queshchin yes i still have dat chained down table and dat Bar.last time u visited  u got pretty drunk eh. Next time u go to da Hudson bay  area come and visit. But remember in da bars da people get pished off if u dont talk in cree. see ya

Elvis

Saa Elvish, I new it waz u!  I hopes yu liked da pikture of perline's perkies!   Yesh, I remember dat.. you had does quarter aqua velva shooters.. tank da big buck dat does tables could shupport my wait, or I would have did a fayshplant on der!   Fuck, yu've exshpanded? you gots a chain of bars now? fuck.. doin pretty good! I'll definately have to brush up on da Cree when I goes up der for my nexsht enspirashunal shpeakin engaygement!

are you shtill gettin da strippers from williams lake? fuck.. I remember dat time me, you and lenny rednuts partied up der after one of lenny's gigs.. I couldn't believe all da hunnies all over ush!

keep rockin da tipi

Lenard

Hey Lenard!

What is your favorite flavour of lysol and aqua velva? And, how many honies have you had in your life and were you ever married or what da fuck? Thanx for your time man.


Hey Cowboy.. been to da rodeo lately?

My fav flavor of lysol.. hmm dat's a good queshun.. I guesh it all depends on da time of day. you can't go wrong wit da regular in da yellow can or fresh scent 2, dat cums in da blue can.. bot can fuck yu up pretty good! country schent is pretty good too, but, for me, it all depends on da time of day! I'm shtill waitin for Lysol to come out wit dat Ice Lysol, in da silver can.. with 85% alcohol, instead of da 48% alcohol in da regular lysol! And I like da blue aqua velva! it goes down real good eh!

fuck, I would be a rich buck if I had a dollar for every squaw I screwed, dat's how many! as for beein married, yesh.. now da trut cums out.. Rosie and I go way back when I was a yung buck of 19 and she wuz 15, and one night after da aqua velva yuckaflux, she praposhed to me, and well fuck I tout she was talking about shumting else, and I fuckin shaid yesh.. my fuckin cuzin Vinnie (who wuz bangin shtella at da time) who was shtudyin to be a medicine man, married ush right der. Now fuck, I noe dat it wasn't legal and shit(I had a white tell me dat).. but u try tellin dat to rosie and shtella after all deez years! it's one of da many fuckin reasons why dey fuckin shtill won't leave me alone after all deez years!

don't forget Cowboy about da rodeo in Browning montana dis weekend!

All da besht..

Lenard

Hey, Where Iam Fucking From I have many cousins dat hang around the fucking mall there life less and have now fucking life dae buy fucking lysol and listering and love it more than booze dae sniff solvents like gas and lacker thiner. How can I help them Im from Kenora ontario Northwestern Ontario Whities tease me to I love my Brocket.  I have been there Its great!!!!

Cletus Piss And Whip

Dear Cletus..

I guesh like wendell's parents, dey didn't like u very much eidder eh? what da fuck kinda native name is Cletus? sounds fuckin hillbillee to me! but I digresh..

dat's good dat yu have a lot of da cuzins who like to do da drinkin, yellin and loiterin.. it's important to do does tings wit ur blood! beshides, shumone's gotta teach da yunger cuzins (da 5 to 12 year olds) da proper way of mixun ush drinks and how to drink witout pishin off da adults!..and how to properly pop da lysol can..fuck dat learnin it off da street shit! dey can learn about fuckin and da sex shit on da street, but da drinkin, dat's gotta cum from da familee.. but cum to tink of it, I gots shum hot cuzins, so better keep dat sex shtuff in da famlee too! As for da Lacker tinner is pretty good buzz, but I don't do dat shit anymore anyways.. jush remember, don't go down on anybody in da dark!

If you want to help dem, tell dem as I said before, to stop da sniffin and start drinkin! da gasoline is for da impala or da truck, not sniffin!

Well what do u expekt from a bunch of fuckin whities in a fuckin whitie named playsh called Kenora? never even herd of dat fuckin playsh.. got to be no rez's der if Lenard never heard of it! but if dey fuckin tease yu, fuckin make sure u gots six to ate of yur biggesht cuzins wit yu, den fuckin beat da pish out of dem! ha ha!

yes, Brocket is a beautiful.. jush like da chief's 4 daughters before dey had der kids and shtarted to resemble fuckin Rosie and Shtella! son of a bitch I tell you! lots of parties der , and good people! Everytime I'm der I find shum huney nu to crash wit!

Well, I'm out like my fecal matter in da toilet..

Lenard

So are you from Brocket? Because that would be pretty messed up if you weren't and you had a website cal Brocket 99 and you not even from here! plus my friend asked why are you so damn hot? Peace cousin see yah on bannock street bye - Tiffany

Dear Tiffany

To exshplain ur kewstshun, yesh I am from Brocket. Dat's what da fuckin ting shays beshide my pikture! I'm from da tuff easht shide of western Brocket!  Da udder ting, dis is not my webshite, dat's Michael Anthonybroken head's site. All I do is da advish cullum! dat's it.. until me, Lenny Reduts and Sunny Mosquito get togedder and releash "Legunds of da Rezurvashun" sheedee dis shummer.

Ur friend gots good tashte. I tink it's from all da years of drinkin, yellin and loiterin, life on da road and sleepin where ever da fuck I could.. oh, I can't forget dat I tink my parents were cuzins, aldough I shtill don't know if my fauder is my real fauder or not.. oh well doesn't fuckin matter anywayz! but I tink I alsho got my looks from dem too.

Bannock street? where's dis playsh? is da street made of bannock, cause if sho, I'm fuckin dere! I gots da branavan cream saush and lysol flambay all ready for a feast!

I'm done now.. I've got bedder tings to do..

Lenard

hey hows it goin?

hav u been partyin lots and drinken lots of bear beer? is dat shtuff any good. anoder beer dat was good was white seel beer but i dont noe if dey make it anymore. My elders used to drink dat shtuff . I went to dat web sit at
www.squaw.ca perline and didnt find shit. coud u tell me sum websits wher i can find pictures of hot squaws. how is rossie and stella? dey leven u alone ? well gotta go    talk to ya later

dear Elvis..

Elvis Meatface? is dat u? fuck.. been a long time sinsh I got pished at yer playsh.. still got dat concrete bar and da tables dat are chained down? anyways, yesh.. I'm still partyin lots even more reshently sinsh does two fat bitshes have been preokkupiyed wit dat cuzin of mine.. tank Christ!

White seal beer? hmm.. I tink I had dat when I was a young buck.. dat shtuff was pretty good, I even tink dey put in shum of da seal's hair in da beer (well fuck, dat's how it tasted anyways!) to give it's flavor. I do believe dat it's fuckin long longer bein made cause of da lack of da seal huntin and fishin.. but fuck, der's shtill lots of big bear beers around, so I ain't bitshin..

yes, websites for shum hot squaws.. don't believe what dem udder brocket sites shay, http://www.brocket99.net is da only and offshial home of all tings Brocket! we gots Ernie Scar himshelf for back up! but anyways, here's a couple of sites not affiliated wit Brocket 99, but shtill pretty good:

http://www.jailbabes.com (dey need luvin too!)

here's one for da bucks in da USA:

www.comanchelodge.com/native-american-dating.html

Here's a cupple rite from Brocket!

www.dating--online.com/nd-brocket-dating.html

www.lovepositive.com/Brocket__dating_singles.shtml

and finally, da best one:

http://www.coveredsquaws.com

hope dis helps!

I'm gone like dem falsh brocket sites,

Lenard

APRIL, 2004 LETTERS,

hey Lenard

came across your site here wanted to say that i laughed my ass off...thanks for the laughs...and to your to hunnies rosie and stella (hell cant remember her name)....tell them to give it up.....well.....take care and lots of love from a U.S. hottie!!!!! rock on!!


Dear amy:

tanks for da letter! I really like it when my female fans rite to me, and tell me dey are laffin der pretty little ashes off! one ting doh Amy, Rosie n Shtella aren't my hunnies!   And I tell dem almosht every single time dey track me down to fuck off and leave me da fuck alone.. but dey don't, cause dey want Lenard all to demselves!

US Hottie eh? well maybe I needs to do shum insperashunal shpeakin down stateshide.. I heard da Cour dalaine rez is pretty good, and shum rez's in Arazona too..  if yu got a pick Amy, pleaze shend it care of dis addresh!

rock on yourshelf der Amy!

Lenard

kayla auger

hey have a nice day ? u r funny?

Dear Kayla:

I always like when my fans shay hello.. tanks alot fur yur complamenshts.. yesh I noe dat I'm not only funny lookin, but funny ha ha as well! dat's how I get da ladies tu, by makin dem laff! yu have a good day to! hey, are u related to any of da Auger's up in Assumption? dey relly noe how to partee up der! have a good one!

Lenard

Hey lenerd

how are ya? how is life in brocket? wat u been up to sins da last time we talked. i wanna congrachulat u for unloden rosie and stella on some oder guy. dat fucker dont know wat da fuck he getten himself into. dos 2 biches rosie and stella sound like dey are fucken nuts.but hey dey probably are not to bad in da sack. i havent been up to much latly i been getten drunk off budweiser. u drink dat beer much? its fuck good stuff. well befor i go i gotta mesage for one of da girls dat sent u last month. dis is for suzie from Brocket da one who boy friend is leaven her cuz she put on some weight. I just wanna tell suzie dat if her boy friend leaves her she can come to me ill give her lots of loven.

Paul prairiechicken

dear Paul..

it's Lenard.. not lenerd (dat's my cuzin) i'm doin pretty good eh..

fuck, I've been actually away from brocket for a few weeks.. sinsh it's Eashter and shtuff, I've been on da road doin shome of dat inspirationshal shpeakin dates.. but I don't tink brocket will ever fuckin change!

dat and drinkin is whats I've been up too reshently. yesh.. ever shinsh my cuzin took dem two on I've been able to show my face in Galt Gardens and party down wit Ernie buffalonuts and da boyz. yesh, rosie and shtella can really ride em cowboy in da shack, and when dey take der falshies out it's like no udder feelin in da world! but you gotta be really pished, or you'll end up pukin..

yesh, I drink bud oncesh in a while, but I'd radder drink Big bears.. dose are fuckin good. oh fuck, Suzie will be happee to hear dat der's anudder buck wantin to give her shum lovin. I'll let her knoe dat Paul is hot fer her bod, maybe you can help her shlim down? (ha ha) cause her fuckin boyfriend fucked off wit her shister, den her cuzin.. I even herd dat he fucked her mom too.. he really liked to keep it in da familee!

Don't forget to bring case a beer for da fadder in law!

Lenard

Hi dere Lenard...

I'm..i'm a little pisht right now...I was..I was wondering if you could come over and give my car a boost, eh!? I..I got da jumper cables...but dere missing da clamp on da one..da one side dere...so..so if you got da cables..it'll be alright dere..oderwise we could just strip em back..and stick da wire..da wire on dere... But anyways..its kinda important...I was just gonna sit down and enjoy my grilled cheese sandwhich dat...dat ahh...Perlene made fer me...it was ok...i like chicken better...but it..it was ok...but anyways...so i put my teeth in and i took a bite out of my sandwhich and sticking out was a fucking goddamn hair. So i yelled...over to Perlene, and she came over, and she spread em apart, and she looked in dere and right in da fucking middle of my processed cheddar...was a fucking cat print...I kid you not! So i grabbed my whiskey bottle from my side, and i took a swing a perlene and broke my whiskey bottle over her head...dats when i realized dat da whiskey bottle was worth money..even empty! So now i was really pisht off so i stormed out of dat fucking place and went and got pisht in da bar dere...

So my queshton is....Do ya tink i was a little outta line for beating up perlene?? Like what if it was your grilled cheese sandwhich and you found a fucking hair in dere...i tink you would be a little pisht off too!! Anyways...im..gonna go over dere to da bar and well...ya know..get pisht!

Otis Tip A Canoe

Dear Otis..

Tanks a lot for da message, but I'm not a fuckin towen company! I gots no fuckin cables, fuck I don't even have a car anymore! haven't had one sinsh I was in Lenard Skenard! fuck.. dat fan was shweet.. it was an old co-op van I found on da rez in da ditch dat was left for dead.. white wit orange and green strippin.. a little bit of rusht, and fuck a baby blue slidin door, cause da udder one got broken. it was beautiful, and great at powwows and gigs at da Cromdale (resht in peace) and da Drake hotels, but fuck, it's gone now.. fuckin cops. anyways..

Otis, fuck man.. I hate when I gets hairs in my bannock too.. but da grilled cheeze, dat's nature's perfect food, udder den KFC. be tankful doh it was just da cat's hair in der , udder den pussy hair! i hads dat happen one day.. I was hidin out from rosie n shtella so I hooked up wit der cuzin (who fuckin hated dem) Ester. she treated old Lenard pretty good, even fed me too! dis is da disgushtin part.. she didn't like to trim da bush as da bucks say, and she also liked to cook in da nude.. so I tink u noe what da fuck I'm gonna shay.. yes.. I found fuckin six fukin pubes in my lunch. I would have fuckin said sumtin, but I was too busy pukin! she was sho nicsh to me, I couldn't have da hart to tell her dat her cookin made me shick.. beshides, I needed a playsh to shtay! so I jush said it was da rum I had at da bar da night before !

what da fuck u doin hittin perlene for? she's a hot peace of ash! fuck I hope she's not scared! way to go Otis, does legs are closed for u and open for everybody elsh now! and anudder ting, fuck.. dat's 10 cents u fuckin broke ovr her head! dat could be da difference between gettin Big Bears or fuckin no name beers, u might not even have enuff for a six pack of lysol.. so just fuckin remember dat! so don't come bitchin to me if dat happens.. cause boo fuckin hoo, I told yu! and remember, if she's a squaw dat cooks, she noes where da nives are.. so u better bring home a couple of cans of beer or maybe shum pink can lysol so dat she doesn't cut off ur nuts in ur sleep!

See u down at da Cromdale before dey tear it down!

Lenard

I was wondering if there is and if i could purchase some pictures of Perkline Pirkly Bush...shes a hot chick:! Thanks for your attention on this matter! Joe prarie chicken

Dear Joe..

I'm shorry to hear about yur turd cuzin on yur fadder's side twice removed, Joey. He was a good buck and we partied many times. It's so fuckin sad when does fuckin whities run over da bucks jush bekause we are pashed out on da highway sleepin off da aqua velva yukaflucks. don't dey noe dat da highway on da rez is sacred land too? fuck.. anyways.. my condolenshes to you and urs.. I hope his fadder in law enjoyed da cashe of Club beer we got for him.

I don't knoe where u can by piktures of Perline (she definately can be perky) pricklybush, but I do noe where you can find a pikture of her and her perklies! go here: www.squaw.ca perline, dat goddesh is in da pikture section.. she's showin her goods off!

tanks for da mammaries!

Lenard

Dear Lenard:

how many cans of lysol can you hammer, and why the hell r u so ugly, and do the squa's like u.

bruce redback

Dear Bruce..

I really can't remember how many, but I usually do about 6 to 8 cans before I shtart drinkin da big bears and da aqua velva shooters. I've been told by my cuzin Clancy Manyfeet dat he remembered one night in da Galt Gardens where I drank 32 and a half cans of lysol.. 15 plain, 15 regular and 2 and a half no name brand. I dont' remember dat, but I guess it's shtill a record at da gardens dat many a buck have tried to beat and have failed like dey did da turd grade, several times.

fuck dat I'm ugly, dat's what da life on da road and on da street does to da buck.. I'd like to see a pikture of u cuzin, but fuck, I still got my pursonalitee, cause all da hunies are shtill after me. As for why da squaw's like me.. well fuck, just track down rosie, shtella, perlene, suzie, starla, bertha or pam and del tell u why dey like me so much.. but jush to warn ya, just dem talkin about me gets dem horned up, so you could be thrown down to da ground and rode good n hard!

so how can you argue wit dat?

Lenard

Dear Lenard:

Yo Lenard dis is Ernie naywayzz..shii that was a crzy night .were are you i tried callin your ol' lady and she told me to go buy her a 12 pack .. all i remember is that you were yelling that you were gonna make it rain.

but eh' im out gotta go to that powwow over in carstin .. bye

Ernie Cryinhead

Hey Ernie.. witch old lady is dat? and when was dat? cause I've been on da road for a mont! but if she's askin for beer, it was probably rosie and shtella breakin into my playsh lookin for me or shumtin to pawn! fuck, oh, and dat washn't me.. dat was my cuzin clarence who's bangin both of dem.. every time he drinks shoe polish he tinks he's da shayman and gonna make it rain.. tanks fer lettin me noe dat.. fuck better call da cops, da bastards, fuck I'll get em

dat powow in Cardsten? fuck.. gotta go on a beer run before dat happens! See you at Galt Gardens

Ernie!

Freddy hey lenard,

my old lady gives me a hard a time when I want to go out boozin. Is there any advice you can give me to make her not get so pissed off?

Dear Freddy Ah yesh, I fuckin noe all about dat one.. I oncsh was in ur situashun.. many a time da old ladies wuld get pished off wit me for alwayz drinkin and never takin dem out to bingo or to da bar or to da powwow, da lisht gos on. but den I came up wit da mashter plan! buts, in ur situashun, I wuld suggest maybe spendin shum of da tready check at one of dem fancshy nite klubs.. ya noe, da ones wit da male stipers? not fer u of course (unless ur friends wit milton flamingarrow) but fer yer old lady and shay six of her sishters, cuzins, mudder and fuck, even grandma too likes dem! but if u can't get into Calgary or Edmunton, I hear da bridge in is gonna start bringin in da strippers.. weekends for da guys, and one day durin da week for da hunnies! dey even got a shuddle shervush between brocket and lethbridge for one lucky squaw and her friends! so enter ur old lady's name in, or beat da pish out of da winner and take der package! dis way, u can go out drinkin wit da bucks any fuckin time u want, jush as long as u do dat fer her den, she cums back to da tipi all hot and bawdered, and ready to powwow wit u all nite long! hope dis helps!

Keep drinkin, yellin and loiterin Freddy!

Lenard

isiah

hows it going htere shit face if i had a dog that looked like u i would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.take that for a good joke..................eh lenard

Oh ha ha ha.. dat's pretty funny.. I didn't even noe dat it waz u rosie! it haz to be rosie, cauze stella can't fuckin spell so well.. u musht of used one of dem fanshy buuks wit all da words in dem to cum up wit sometin like dat! see, I noe dis, cause in my drunken stupor, "isiah" is part rosie "isi" and stella "ah" so I'm on tu u tu! so how can u argue wit dat? but hey, it only took u two, what onlee six munts to cum up wit dat! u should be prowd.. now my only queshion to u's is.. who's cumputer did u shteal? cause I fuckin noe dey don't let u anywhere near any skools cauze of da reshtrainin order! or did u break into da library to pash out again? nexsht time, at leasht ask me shum queshions! like, why did Clarence run away from ush a couple of days after da Metalika conshert? or why can't we find any bucks to fuck? sometin like dat..

I'm out like rosie's and shtella's teeth before dey goe down.

Lenard

dear lenard:

sory bout dis im a lil dunk off da sweet grass and stoned off the lysol but n e way howsh she been up der in da rockeys if u ever been der o gosh damn fucken shit. my squaw is always on my fucken back she always wants me to go on a beer run er wants me to fix up da van wut should i doo . i just told her to FUCK OFF and she called me a fucken whitey so i punsed da bits and when she wants to go to bingo she slaps me evry time she dont win wut should i do after all u no how to get dem squaws in yer tipi good luck at bingo : johnny two face

Tansi Johnny! fuck, she's goin pretty good! no need to shay ur shorry.. how du yu tink I rite my ledders bak tu yus? I'm alwayz pished up on da branvan or da big bears beers! I had to get off da lysol for a while, cause fuck, my pish started shmellin like da fresh scent! Da rockeys are as beautiful as ever.. jush like how rosie and shtella and iris larat look after drinkin two cases of lysol, a aqua velva six pack (blu and greene) and a 60 of Jack Daniels! well fuck, okay, maybe dey aren't as pretty as da rockeys after drinkin dat much, but fuck, dey are shtill dat big! now dis responsh is a bit long, even for lenard, cause fuck.. it ish a preddy perplexhsin shituashun! and if u don't like it... well den fuk.. boo hoo, I can't read dat much.. boo fuckin hoo! I don't give a shit! oh ok dat fuckin bits.. I bets yu don't even get ur treedy check eidder eh? I bet she kashes it even befor u wake up! dat really pishes me off.. now I don't kundoan da hittin of da hunies, (only luvin dem den) but I do noe wat terns mishter hand into mishter fisht! jush remember if yu du hit her, she does noe wear u shleep! u don't want to end up like dat fuckin bobbet guy wit ur dick tomahawk'd off! dat would be even worse den not havin ur kowboy hat and kowboy shirts! and as well, fuck cause I noe dis.. every fuckin squaw has got sixsh cuzins or brudders or odder sishters or a cupple of faudders dat like scrappin.. remember dat! so unlesh u hav gots da bak up, u mite not wanna hit da bits aneemor! as for fixin da van, well fuck, she's 42, she is big enuff to fixsh da fuckin ting hershelf! tell her, "der's da fuckin shtolen tools, u fuckin fixsh it! she's da one dat went to grade 8, she's da shmart one of da familee! but here's wat ur gonna do abut da bingo. tell her to go by shome of does fuckin troll tings dey bring me da good luck! and as fer her gettin mad at u.. invite me over.. caus it shounds like u jush want her outta ur life rite? buy a shitload of lysol, (country shcent or powder.. da shtuff da hunnies like.. tell Paddy ohlanturn down at da drugshtore I shent u down for da shpechial deeliveree) shum big bears and shum jack daniels den I'll get my friend to cum bang on ur door an tell u he needs a favor an' u will be gon for a bit.. I'll shend wendel over wit his new papoose, cause dat fucker owes me for me hookin him up wit suzie, an wit da kid, ur bits will see it is not a load of bullshit! leave wit wendel for an hour (I noe, but maybe u can bang one of suzie's shisters wen u go over der). den, cause ol lenard haz a way wit da hunnies, i'll hav her rite wear u want her.. lickered up and yesh.. I'll jush about to shcore when u come back.. (I'll try not to fuck her to hard or cum on ur curtains) u'll den fuckin tell her to fuckin get da fuck out, and how kuud she brake ur heart, tell her how much u use to luv her (well make dat up, but be sherioush!) an of courshe tell her dat when she called u a whitie dat it krushed ur very shoul, den when's she's cryin like a 2 year old girl, tell her it's over! make her fell like shit for treatin u sho badly.. mention all dat shit she's done.. da bingo, da hittin, da swearin, da fixshn! all dat shit.. den eidder too tings will happen.. she'll eidder shay fuck u an go bak to Browning (problem sholved) or she will fuckin beg to be back, cause she noes dat she gots it good (look at all da shit ya got.. beer, bingo, a houshe, and a van!) and no fuckin body will take her! she will feel guiltee an will do anyting u shay! u might even get shome well desherved mak up shex! an if she does pish u off, den bring up dat night in front of evereebody at bingo or da bar or at da mall in letbridge.. dat will den shut her da fuck up! fuck.. I needs a shot of jack daniels! phew!

see yu at da bingo! remember, dis weekend, 15 000 doller jackpot!

Lenard

kris

make a song for me and send it to me because your my favorite singer

Dear Kris:

I  tink you got me confewzed wit Lenny Rednuts.. I don't shing full time, I only shing da back up vocals and play da geetar in my old band, Lenard Skinerd, before da cops confaskated our van (does fuckers) dat's it. no lead vocals.  One udder ting see it's alsho in da name.. i'm jush Lenard.. and Lenny, well he's Lenny. See da differensh?

Now, I have but tinkin about doin a couple of shongs or even hostin my own show when da Brocket 99 gets its new shtudio (we are shtill tryin find a new buildin since da fire) but until den, you'll only be able to hear me shingin da back up vocals on da next Lenny Rednuts cd,  "legends of da rezurvashun" whenever da fuck dat will come out.

To pick up "Tough Buck From Brocket" go here.. tell em Lenard shent ya!

http://worldzone.net/music/lennyrednuts/

keep shingin!

Lenard

Tansi, Taanisi ekwa,

hows it goin? how is life treaten ya? i hope dat Rossie n stella arnt buggen ya to much eh? i need some advise from you.I am looken for a girl friend and every time i try to talk to a girl she fucken laughs in my face. can you tell me what da fuck i should do to get da girlz interested in me? Can you e mail me back as soon as you can ? Hey if i ever go to brocket one of these days we'll go fishin eh. Which brocket are you from anywayz da one from B.C or da one from Northern Manitoba?

Paul Prairiechicken

Dear Paul

I'm doin pretty good shinsh I last sent out my letters.. got my hands on shome wood alcohol and went up to Calgary to see da Metalika conshert. My cuzin Percy won shome tickets threw da radio and sinc dat fucker owed me money, I collected! He was gonna take his old lady of da week, but after an unfortunate axshident between her and him and da roling pin, and da odder squaw dat was der that he was bangin I got to go. good ting too, cause we got really pished and had a good time. Dey wern't as good as Ac/dc or kashtin, but fuck, it was free!

Speakin of does two fat bitches, I don't know how, but Rosie and Stella were der too! Dey must of fucked shome whitie for tickets or cashed in der family allowensh check.. anyways, dey were tryin to hit on anyting at da show.. dey were really drunk and really nicesh to me and Percy which was kinda scary.. dey said all was furgiven about da custody shtuff and shit like dat. I knew dey were fuckin bullshitting, and wouldn't remember anyting da next day, so I just smoked der sweetgrass and drank der beers (it was really shitty too) and said "tanks a lot, we gotta go to our sheats", Percy wouldn't leave and I thout da worse! my asumpshun would shoon come true!

I don't remember much after dat cause of all da lazers and shit blowin up on da stage, but when I finally found Percy after da sho, Rosie and Stella were all over him! my worsht fears had come true! but what's a free buck to do? I took da wood alcohol I was shavin for him and drank it all down right der! I was quite glad for da blindness dat set in soon after dat.. didn't have to see dem no more!

Dat was quite da night.. but fuck, now I can't hang out wit Percy anymore (dat stupid fuck) cause now he's bangin both of dem.. he'll soon see dat dey are evil, but fuck he's 43.. he should noe better! but da good ting is dat when dey are wit him dey are leavin me alon, fer now! so dat's good I guess anyways.. on to da rest of yer ledder.

I wuz ashked a very shimiler kewstshun not to long ago, so take dat advish I gave "totum" and apply it to yous.. trusht me, it will work!

Paul, i'm from da only Brocket dat matters, dat's Brocket in da Peigan Sovern Nayshun! for da rest of yous, dat's in Alberta!

Fishen eh? fuck ya.. come on down, I know a spot down by da ravine where we can go.. lots of fish, you'll catch em every time! don't ferget when you are down to go to "Hunt N Hook" sports and get dem Fishing leaders! and der are shome udder animals der too, so better get shome shteel tipped holow point bullets too! and don't ferget da Big Bear beers..

see you down at da ravine cuzin!

Lenard

From Big D:

Do you have the lyric of The 30 Point Buck and if so could you send them to me please.
thanks for your time

Big D

Saa anywayz.. I tink u've been in da bush fer too long.. up by Assumption I tink? Fuck everybody noes dat da 30 Point Buck is a legend.. jush like da Great White Buffalo or da Great Woodchuck! as for da lyric, well fuck, what da fuck do you tink I look like, a jewkbox? I don't know what ur queshion has to do about life, love or lysol, but I'll pash yu along to my good friend Lenny Rednuts.. I tink he's cumposhin a shong about it, da Great White Buffalo, da Great Woodchuck and da Sasquatch (nicshly title "squaw snatch") for his "Legends of da Rezurvashun" compalashun cd. Oh fuck dat reminds me.. I gots to get goin, I gotta play shome guitar and shing shome back up vocals on it!

hish shite is here:

http://worldzone.net/music/lennyrednuts/


Keep huntin!

Lenard

Hey Lenard,

you fucking smelly pyute....what heppened to the preview audio clip of Brocket 99 Part III? Is it still going to be produced??

Thanks a bunch,

Chris

Dear Fowler:

Axeually, I'm part Blackfoot and Cree, not Pyute.. and my stench is da mixture dat drives all da hunies hot for my bod.. it's part aqua velva, hi-karatee and listerine.. dey can't get enuff of its! Clip for part 3? oh yesh.. well me and Michael were going to keep it a big secret but now dat da squaw's outta da bag, (tanks alot you fuckin whitie) we can now shay dat Michael, Lenard and Ernie Scar (and all da resht of da casht) himshelf have been hard at work for Brocket 99 3 "bak to da rezurvashun".. cumin out dis June for ernie's and me's and michaels birtdays. I've also joined a church and am going to da AA meetings, and I've found luv wit only one squaw. I won't be able to offer shupport anymore about da lysol or da listerine, shinsh i'm giv'n it up. I'll jush be lenard da love I guesh. oh yesh.. gots to love da shober and religush life and sexsh wit only one woman.

so how can you argue wit dat..

Lenard

oh Pee-ess If you believe da above column.. I only got one ting to shay.. Apryl Fuuls day!

MARCH 2004 LETTERS,

hey hows it goin?

I need some advise on picken up girlz.every time i talk to a girl she fucken walks away or laughs in my Anywayz wat can i do to prevent dis from happenin. Can you give me advise on getten girlz?

From totum

Ah yesh.. you've come to da right playsh der totum! I many moons ago was jush like you! but den I found da secret of da ways of being a free buck and I haven't look back shinsh!

I tink you are lookin in da wrong playshes! you have to go to powwows, da bar and of course houshe parties! here's what you do.. 1st new clothes! go down to "Penner's Men's Wear" )dey got playses all over southern alberta) and get yer new cowboy hat and cowboy shirts! Also, go to da goodwill and get shome tight fittin jeans and shome old Ac/Dc shirts and a ball cap. When you go to da Bridge in and da powwows, wear da cowboy shtuff. When you are at a party on da rez, da jeans and da ac/dc shirt!

shtep two.. always bring shome liqour for da ladies! Country schent lysol or da pink can lysol, shome aqua net hairspray and of course da aqua velva shooters too! don't be a fuckin pig and drink it all yershelf! da chicks love dat shtuff.. and finally don't try and hit on dem early in da night.. wait until dey are eidder almosht passed out or last call at da bar, whatever comes firsht.. den dey want to party!

Happin snaggin cuzin!

Lenard

Here's a ledder from a long time friend of Lenard's. She's a little out der, but I tougt it would be a good ting to anshwer bot of her letters.

lenerd ive been fan for many many moon fuck you lenerd i want to talk to ernie scarr . ive a real mystery of temtation wit choo fackers. we need a open pow-wow wit ernie!!! and maybe a little lysol

From Nita Nearly Nuts

Well fuck hello to you too Nita! been a long time shinsh we pounded shome back! Anwyays, fuck i'm not Ernie Scar's fuckin sextratary! fuck dat shit! I'm nobody's answerin shervish! anyways.. if you want to talk to fuckin ernie, look here: http://www.brocket99.net/email_ernie.htm

and Nita, you bring da lysol!

And now for part two, cause fuck, cause I gots nothin better to do!

heya cuz!

Iz got a problem eh, an I figurd yewd no how to help. My man likes me to danse fer him in my gingel dres an poor aqua vellva drinks fer him like a bar tendar befer we git down to pow-wowin. I likes to do it fer him butt the gingles make so much nois dat coocum wakes up and wants sum of da aqua to. Pleez help, dars to many in the teepee! My man needs sum privasy with his squaw.

Keep up da good werk Lenard, we luv ya.

Nita Nearly Nuts

Ah yesh.. tanks for da complishments der nita! now about yer problemz.. fuck I tell you dis one took many moons to tink, I tought about maybe tapin up da jingles, or shome shit like dat, but den I said fuck it. too much work! show, dis is what you gonna do. you go down to da drug shtore, down der where you live. he's a good friend of mine, gets me my lysol cheap! he's Irish so he's always drunk too! wit st. patrick's day comin up, dat will be da day he'll shell half da drugs for cheap he'll be sho pished! when you go in dat day, ask for Paddy ohLanturn, he's da farmeshist. ask him for shome shleepin pills, den before coocum goes to bed,crush shome up and put it in her wine! trush me on dis, it works! she'll be pashed out so fast for at least 10-12 hours, so you can gingle all night long! If dat don't work, by anudder can of lysol and put it under her pillow, it will be like da lysol fairy dropped it off fer her. she'll take a slug witout gettin up and pash right out again!

Keep ginglin!

Lenard

From Bill Manybeers

Lenard,

I have been overwhelmed by your website and am lookin to find an old friend by the name of glorius cummintonite. Please help.

Disparate manybeers.

Dear Bill..

Glad to shee dat you like da site! me and Michael Anthonybrokenhead work long and hard.. well ok, I don't fuckin work but Michael does! to bring you dis fuckin site and keep it updated regularly, not like does fuckin cuzins of mine down der at da Brocket99.ca dey just can't sheem to get der smoke signals fixed!

Glorius cummintonite? wow.. dat's a name I haven't heard in a long time.. I made her commintonite several times if you know what da fuck I mean! she was a wild filly in da sack son of a bitch let me tell you! But fuck if I know where she'd be, but I do know who might doh, dat's her brudder Sammy Cummintosoon, he might know he lives in Shtandoff lasht I heard livin wit Suzie Squatstopee (nee Drippybeaver). Also, you might want to check da phone book at da pay phone in Pincher Creek to see if she might be der as eidder cummintonite or maybe she changed her name back to cummintofast, you never noe! or maybe she found a new buck to ride and changed her name again!

good luck findin da 411 on dat squaw!

Lenard

lenard,

how are you? i was wondering what kind of beer you drink? how much you drink? and where you drink it? also do you know who wrote fire lynol on the side of the outpost or who william no respect is? and what happens to the rcmp if they don't leave town?

write me back

later bro

Dear Bro (i tink dat's his name!)

Old Lenard has been doin pretty good.. been doin lots of drinkin, yellin and loiterin all over da playsh, and stayin out of jail too! and spreadin da Goshpel of Lenard to all dah hunies! Heres da anshwers to da udder kewshtuns you were lookin fer...

A) I drink any and many kind of beers.. but da Big Bear is my fav! I'm gettin thursty jush tinkin about one! Club beer doh is a closh seckond..but fuck, if it's free.. I ain't gonna shay no!

B) How much? well fuck.. I don't know, but not enuff so dat I don't go blind or pass out all da time! Can't pass out with Rosie and Stella lookin for me! dat would be bad and plush, I'd lose all reshpect I have in Brocket!

C) Almost anywhere.. At my cuzin Clarences playsh, in da ravine, behind da 7-11 in da alley, in a park, in da 65 chevy goin to da powow,.. at da powow (in da parkin lot, not in da dancin area, cause fuck, don't want to get thrown out of da powow! dat's where I meat at least half of my hunies!) oh yeah fuck, can't forget da Bridge Inn in Lethbridge! Den der's da Cecil in Calgary, any bar in Regina, da York or da Cromdale in Edmonton,oh and finally any golf course wit a lot of trees!

D) Fire Lynol? fuck.. dat was Lynol himshelf! poor lynol.. all he wanted to do was sit around all day drinkin like all da rest of ush bucks! But his fuckin old lady told him noo.. he's gotta shupport her 4 fuckin kids.. her cuzin gots him a job at da Tipi Village shoppin shenter.. after about a week he couldn't hack da reshponshibilty anymores, and spray painted dat on da shide of da building, so dey fired him, he left his old lady and became a free buck again!

E) I tink William No Respect is my cuzin.. I'll have to ask my cousin Ernie about dat, cause he's da keeper of da family shtuff!

F) If da cops don't leave? oh fuck.. den it's blockade time! better come up for it bro!

phew! fuck.. dat took a lot out of me! askin all dat information is drainin!

I'm outta here like Lynol at his old job!

keep drinkin, Lenard

FEBRUARY 2004 LETTERS,

Hey lenard,

hows it goin i seen ur pic on the internet. U lok fucken ruff compared to the last time we partied together. Since then u have just turned into a fucken grease. I hope to meet u again on the brocket resderve n we'll get messed up on lysol and gasoline.

Dear Cuzin I'm doin pretty fuckin good anyways. Except when fuckin people write me ledders and dont put der fuckin name on it! anwyays.. I've been goin to rez's all over da place answerin awl kinds a problems! I tink der might be shome money in dat shumwhere! If Don Burnstick can do it, so can I! (dat fucker) I eshpeshally like when da hunnies come and see me for pryvat problem solvin seshions. Dey leave wit da smile on der faces! and sho do I!

Now for da udder part of da ledder.. Well fuck you, at least I'm brave enuff to put my pikture on da enternet! I don't see ur pik cuzin! You'd be ruff lookin an greasy two if you were runnin and hidin from Rosie n Stella! Does fuckin bitches wont fuckin leave me alone! de are worse den da fuckin cops!

Yesh, I'll be down in da brocket on da 19th! I'll be stayin wit my cuzin Elvis and most definately we will be drinkin, yellin an loiterin wit shome hunnies all week! Please do bring shome lysol and shome aqua velva shooters.. Save da gas douh, cause we might have to run into Pincher Creek for shome beers and we don't want da impala to run dry!

Keep rockin da tipi!

Lenard

Eh Coshin howsh it goin big bear?

i shusht wanted to shay ive been holdin down ma familysh teepee shince 1989. i am very proud to be an indian...i jusht dont know how to keep myshelf ahead when people make fun of me becaush im indian...i need help coshin...email me back, peash cosh

Dear Anonumoosh:

Well it sounds like you are one of da Cheif's brudders maybe for u to be holdin down da teepee for sho long down der in Hobeema? Got a shister or cuzin who's almost 18? ah fuck, nevermind noeing my luck fuckin Rosie and Shtella got to her already! anywayz, yesh, we are all proud to be native. Don't let any fuckin whitie tell yu different or put yu down..

An anudder ting, make sure dat if you have to be around whities, don't fuckin be alone dey prey on ush.. take a couple of cuzins for back up just incase dey don't serve you at da licker shtore or at da mall or wherever. shtand tall and dey won't fuck wit u no more. And if you are really down, just remember who beat da pish out of custurd (dat blondie fuckin butcher) or how we scared dem whities shitless in Oka, or who won da gold medal in Hockey lash year... but if dat don't work, Maybe you can find a blockade shumwhere? Der's always a blockade or a landclaim goin on! And remember, to qote da Raiders greatest hit(you can get dat tape on sale at da Brocket general store) da Indian Nation will return!

Hope dis helps.. and next time cuzin, put yer name on da letter, sho I noe who da fuck I'm talkin to!

Play it loud and proud cuzin!

Lenard

A SPECIAL LETTER FROM NATIVE MUSICIAN LENNY RED NUTS TO OUR ADVICE COLUMNIST LENARD:

Dear Lenard,

Normaly I wuldnt rite you lik dis as Im a big rekording music star, but Iv bean havin a bit of truble wid da ladies dat I hope you can help me out wid.

OK, now heers da ting. At a few of my conserts at da Bridge Inn, I've bean seein dis pretty young ting wid da yelow shert wid da rainbow on it. Well her tall frend who beat up Clayton Magnet yers ago, wants ta pik me up. Da ting is. I want her cute frend. But alsho da odder probim is dat she could be a whitey.

Da story tickens. Ive been kinda meshen arownd wid yer two sishters and I tink I nocked one of both of dem up. Both r preganant but I saw dem hangin' out at da Drake Hotel wid my cusin Johnny Gunn and his bashtard frend whitey frend Quinty da Lord of da Cats. Now what da fucks a tough buck from Brocket supposhed to do?

Oh yeah! Tanks fur drinkin da last of my Branvin you fuckin' asshole! I was savin dat fur Cristmash you know!

Lenny Red-Nuts

Dear Lenny: 

Firsht off, I must shay dat “Tough Buck From Brocket” is a mashterpeash! Tank yu fer sharrin it wit da world Lenny! I can’t get enuff of its! 

Ah yesh..u came to da right plashe for da info on da ladies.. I saw a pic of her on dat site of urs.. she is pretty hot! She definitely made a tipi in my crusty ginch! but on ferder enspecshun, she looks a lot like a whitie, and Lenard tries to shtay away from da whities! But her tall friend, now dat is a hot piesh of ash! Dats a full fledged Cree prinshesh der.. I’d fuck dat six ways from Shunday! And yeah! Dats where I noe her from! Fuck how could I ferget? Dat night she beat da pish out of Clayton Magnet, dat was a scary sitshuashun! I laughed my ash off, but poor Clayton.. I never taut dat a body could be bent dat way I guess dats how he fit into da grocery cart!.. anyways Lenny, back to ur problem! 

I sympatize wit u, cause I noe what it is like to be a recordin shtar and have da honies all over u.. Maybe u heard of my band? Lenerd Skenerd? We were a cover band of dose freebird guys.. we did shom AC/DC, Black Sabbit, Nazaret, and lots of Skinard. We weren’t as good as u or Kashtin, but fuck nobody’s bedder den Kashtin! (shorry Lenny) Dat was until da accshident wit our van runnin away from da cops.. but anyways, here’s what I was tinkin.. sinsh I can play a bit of guitar and can shing on shome back up vocals, I’ll do my dutee and get dat prinsesh off ur back. Trust me Lenny, when dat tall drink of branvan sees me backing u up on da stage, u will have nuthin to worry about and u can hook up wit dat rainbow chick! Cause dats what free bucks are shupposed to do! Come to tink of it, she looks like a half breed, cause I know dat tall chick hates fuckin whities, sho u noe dat da rainbow chick must be a cuzin!  

Sishters hangin around da Drake with some whitie and Johnny Gunn? I fuckin noe does two squaws! Dats Rosie and Stella! (does bitches!) Fuck, don’t worry Lenny, dey are fuckin fat, ugly and shtupid.. dey say dey are pregnant, just to get to ur treaty check! Dats der shcam! Dey are so full of shit, dey could be whities! Dats not papooses dey have (aldough dey have like seven kids among da two of dem, dey don’t know who da fadders are, of any of dem!) dats Fat! Trush me on dis, I fucked both of dem and dey never shpoke to me afterwards, until I started on dis site den I hear from dem! Claimin dat dey were pregnant.. fuck dem! Dats what I told em.. and any tough buck from Brocket would say (to quote ur shong) “Get da fuck out u fuckin bitch.. just turn around go fuck ur uncle mitch” beshides, if anyone nocked dem up, it would be Jonny and dat fuckin whitie friend of his!  

Oh fuckin boo hoo hoo my Chrishmash Branvan is drunk.. well u should have not left it out cuzin! Fuck I was gonna save it til I see u at da Drake, but fuck, I shcrapped enuff money tugedder for a bottle of jack daniels.. and well I do feel bad for drinkin ur piss warm branvan, so I tout I’d make it up to yu! Beshides, we have to selebrate!.. Dat shister dats been buggin u found hershelf a new man and she told me to tell u dat u aren’t da fadder and da child shupport claims have been ripped up! Sho how’s dat for a chrismash gift cuzin? Dat and Jack Daniels? So How can u argue wit dat? 

See yu at da Drake on da 26^th! 

Oh and all my loyal readers.. go out and buy “Tough Buck From Brocket” cause it’s just dat damn fuckin good!  

Lenard

Dear Lenard,

With the Mayor of Vancouver recently allowing the opening of a "safe-injection" site on the fuckin' Downtown Eastside, does it look like maybe the west coast is the place to be this winter? I mean, what have you got in Lethbridge, "Streets Alive"? Or is that closed now too? Come to think of it Lenard, I thought I saw you in front of the Balmoral Hotel on Hastings one day last summer tryin' to buy some shmack.

Your buddy,

That Vancouver Bastard.

Dear Bastard:

Oh fuck yeah.. I hichted hiked to BC last winter and I must shay, dat’s a pretty fuckin cool place, and warm in da winter too! Plus, you can shmoke da sweet grass on da street and a fuckin cops don’t throw yur ash in da slammer like de do in Calgary! As for da shootin da only shootin I do anymore is shootin da gofers on da rez. Anyways Bastard, last shummer I was not in Vancouver, but I tink you shaw my cuzin Clarence buyin da shmack. He’s into dat shtuff. I haven’t been in to dat shtuff for years. Not sayin I never tried it, but after shootin up with Clarence in da back alley of da Bridge Inn before da Johnny Cougar Feddar show I shwore I never would do again. Why? Cause we did not read (who da fuck reads anyways) who was opening for Johnny.. It was Iris Lariat! And fuck just as da shmack was smackin me, she was doin “You Can’t Make Love To a Memory” and well I died.. right der in da bar. Dat’s what dey told me when I came to at da native health care shenter after a couple days. Fuck, I don’t know if it was da smack or Iris dat killed me, and I’m not takin anymore chances.. Although I didn’t see Clayton Magnet, both Joey Priairie Chicken and Sammy shot both sides told me when I was dead dat it wasn’t my time and dat I needed to go back. Now I know why.. to weave da words!

Now on to da rest of dis fuckin guy’s letter cause he needs to hog all my fuckin time!

P.S.: One other thing... Back in my day Lysol Came in only two kinds: Regular and Fresh Scent II "...dat comes in da blue can." Now there's all these different scents and flavours... I mean, pou-fuckin'-pouri?? How's a guy to mix that fer drinkin? Yesh, dat did concern me too when dey started comin out wit all kinds of Lysol. But den it struck me, (like a Lysol truck) even do da country scent isn’t bad, all dese odder flavors aren’t made for us bucks! Da original two are, but da odder flavours (Powder, country, Pot-fuckin-pouri, folded laundry.. no shit, dat’s a fuckin flavor!) are made for da hunnies.. c’mon you should no dat da women can’t just drink da Aqua net alone! Dey are expandin der market. Dat’s one way of tinkin about it.. so da next time you want to impress a squaw you want to bang, buy a can of da pot pouri for her and a can of fresh scent 2 for you.. trust me on dis one it fuckin works! Oh, and one odder ting, I got a whitie guy I bum off of who works at da Lysol factory (dat’s how I get mine cheap!) and he tells me since dey started sellin more lysol, dey are working on a shuper secret new flavor of da Lysol.. ICE Lysol, Dat comes in da silver can! Dey got all kinds of patents (whatever da fuck dat is) to protect it, but its shupposed to be 50% stronger den original or da fresh scent! Remember.. you heard it hear first!

Lenard

Hey dere Lenard,

Hey dere my native bruder! Yeah so i wuz just gonna ask fer yur opinion on dem whitey cops! Da odder day dey came along and told me i had ta clean up my front lawn! Fucking whitey cops anyways, said i had ta get da cars up on blocks back on some tires, put out my flaming tire pile, and clean up da mess of lysol cans and beer bottles laying everywhere! I told dem to FUCK OFF already and leave me alone, fuck dem fuckers anyways, dey always always know how to piss a buck off eh! Fuck anyways....I'm going to da bar!

Otis Tip A Canoe

Dear Otis:

Fuck, dat’s quite da predicament you have found yurshelf in! Does fuckin cops.. son of a bitch I tell you, dey never got nothing nice to shay to me it’s always “get da fuck off da street” or “been drinkin a little today?” or “you can’t sleep here, dis is a public fuckin place!” fuckers. Fuck, I sympatize wit you Otis, I remember da days when I was stayin at one of my old lady’s places in Hobemma and da fuckin cops told her she had to clean up her fuckin yard too.. Fuck I tought I was going to die! She was pished! But I might have a solushon to yur problem cuzin.. cause fuck, nobody needs da fuckin cops comin around! firsht off,

About da cars, even doh it might be da old 65, we both no dat da fuckin kids have ripped apart anyting wort any value on it, and it ain’t gonna fuck run anyways. But shtill, I know of shome cumpanies dat will come out to da reserve and tow yur car away for free, and den dey give you 50 bucks for it too! So if you got like 5 cars, dat’s like 200 bucks! As for da tire fire, fuck dat’s part of da culture.. you can fuckin claim dat you are learnin how to do shmoke signals (just like Sammy’s Smoke Signals, on tird street across from da Beaver Lumber in brocket go in and see him today, tell him Lenard shent ya!) and since it’s part of da cultzure, dey can’t do fuck all! Finally, as for da empties in da yard, I know dis is going to be tough, but da effort is well wort it! It’s not a myt.. you can actually go to a place and cash in all does empties.. for money! And if you got enough empties, you can go out and buy more beers, or whatever.. where did you tink Lysol gets der cans from? Dey reuse dem! Dey just seal up da puncture in da can and der it is!

So hopefully dat will help you out and get dose fuckin whitie cops off yur ash!

See you down at da Bar Otis!

Lenard

And finally, shomebody’s fuckin impayshent I wonder who it can be?

Dear Lenard,

I understand that you may have some substance abuse problems.... but I sent a letter to you three weeks ago. When the FUCK are you going to update your web page... dick-head?

Well first off, hello to you to, fuck.. boo fuckin hoo.. my letter wasn’t answered.. boo fuckin hoo.. I don’t need to hear you sob fuckin story.. Plus, I don’t update da fuckin page, dat’s Michael Anthony Brokenhead’s fuckin problem.. if you got a problem wit day way he runs tings, take it up wit him.. remember, it says at da top.. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT LOVE, LIFE OR LYSOL; ASK LENARD AS SOON AS WE FIND HIM, WE'LL HAVE HIM ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. And fuck, I gotta a life too, so it takes me a little while. What I do is an art.. I don’t rush tings.. Plus, if you’ve read my work, you know I’m always here and der livin off da hunies and hidin from Rosie and Stella.. I’m a hard buck to track down. So der. Fuck. Shome peoples fuckin illegitamat kids.. So der’s yur answer.. are yu happy now?

Merry Fuckin X-mas to you too!

Lenard

And from me, Lori Across Da Mountain, Lenny Rednuts (you gonna by me dat case of beer or what?) and of course Michael Anthony Brokenhead and everyone else from dis place, Merry X-mas and a very drunk New Years!

Lenard

FROM LENARD

Sorry about da delay on writin over da shummer. See, da begining of shummer was good to deer old Lenard. It all began at bingo one night.. I fuckin got da big jackpot! Like 2500 bucks.. den me and my cuzins Leroy Moccasin and Johnny Runningsioux were on da way to da bar when we stumbled into a casino. It wasn’t run by da cuzins, but dey did have a full bar.. so what da fuck do you expect? And fuck, not even being der for very long, I fuckin hit another jackpot! Anodder $1000 bucks! Lenard was on da role!

Well, it was after dat Johnny and Leroy started to look at me funny, but dat could have been da triple jack daniels I wuz buyin for dem. Anyways.. I don’t remember much after leavin da casino. I remember meeting Perline at da Bridge Inn and givin her shome cash for da fuck of it or was it for a fuck? I don’t know. Scary ting is dat I fuckin woke up two days later at my cuzin Kaliga’s place in birds point. Fuck if I know how I got der.. Leroy and Johnny were nowhere to be sheen eider. Fuckers. At least it wasn’t jail! Luckily Kaliga’s ex old lady was der and she took reel good care of old Lenard. And dat’s my shtory, and I’m shtickin to its!

So pretty much spent my shummer out der hidin out from rosie and stella, suzie and anyone else I’d owed money too. Getting home waz fun too.. just when you tink dat da 67 Impala (cuzin Kaliga shmashed up his 65) couldn’t make it back to Brocket, it did. Dat model fit 10 surprishingly well to! And no, I gots no more money!

Now on wit da letters..

Hay Lenard, I herd some fuckin whity tokin bout da sery of relativaty , since I fucked yer sister I was wonderin what it meant, r we related now .

from William in a Wheelchair (IWP)- spokesman

Hey William!

Fuck, hear da wheat pool got infeshted wit da grashhoppers, and you ran out of da herbcide before you could kill all dem fuckers.. I heard dat da whities fucked you over when dey offered to help!

Anyways, yesh.. yur queshun fuck, what sister is dat? Five of dem are shacked up with guys named william, and two more have ex's named william so like be more speshific cuzin!. now..da sery of relativaty, I tought maybe some smart whitie came up with dat. but of course, da big chief set me straight. He told me dat's what happens when you get attatched to a peash of ash, and you like crash over at her playsh cauze ya got no playsh else to fuckin go! ya become like a fuckin relativ dat never leaves. Den once a pappoose or two come around, well den yur der for life! den dey grow up, and bring over a young buck or a squaw.. and den it fuckin happens all over again, cept dis time, yur da one supportin dem! well fuck, dat's da big chief's sery anyways I tink it could be a load of bullshit. But I know It's too late for you William.. you can't eshcape it. dat's yur deshtiny. yu could learn from me.. dat's why I don't stay around at any squaw's house for too long, dat's why I'm a free buck and proud of it! (and don't pay no fuckin rent!)

Don't let da wheels of yur wheelchair get rushty! Lenard

hay lenny

i aready married to squaw but last nite in alley i woket up with hard dick an i stik in Fatalber and do sum fudgepakin we fall in luv!!!! my question iz if Fatalber an i get marry would i be pigamissed? pls hurry in case he fall outta love

Dear Fudgepacker..

why do people inshisht on calling me lenny? dat is not my fuckin name! Lenny was da sidekick to da greasy haired short guy on dat fuckin tv show with da chick with da L on her shirt. As you can see in my pic, I don't look anyting like dat! One more time jusht in cashe yu do not know how to reed: my name is LENARD, pronoushed LEN-ARD! got dat? good! now wit da letter.

relax.. ur are not a pigmissed, fuckin stupid, but not a pigamissed.Fuck, I don't know about my other ten or so readers, but if anyting like dat would fuckin happen to me, I wouldn't be fuckin talkin about it to anybody! but, again..dis just fuckin is proof enuff dat yu should not go down on any body in da dark, pashed out or not, after yu are drinkin da fotocopy fluid! dat shit really fucks u up beyond anyting elsh dat u can drink! Just listen to da pain da singer of "Rosemary is not my mother" goes thru while singin it.. jusht tragic! how do I know? he told me after a couple of cases of hi test dat dat's what he was drinkin before dat faytful day. he shwore off dat shit after dat day!

If you both stay off da photocopier fluid you should both be back to normal in no time.. you will forget about Fatalbert or whatever his name is... beshides, if you do like dat fudgepacking shtuff, you can always get ur old lady reallly drunk and surprise her wit it.. who knows, maybe she will like it, or maybe she will cut ur nuts off in ur sleep..

Please, next time, don't shend me a letter like dis while I am eatin my bannock, i haven't been able to eat it shinsh!

LENARD

Hey, Leonard... I was wondering why your people won't stop bitching about the past and move on... You don't see the Italians complaining cause the moors conquered them back in the day and fucked all their women... What gives? Also, is it still cool to melt tires(or records) filter it through your cuz'ns socks and drink it. Cause I remember that be'n pretty fuck'n-A cool. I'm fuck'n outt'a here. 'Merlin Vancouver, BC (but, born with a tooth in Lethbridge)

Hello Merlin

First off, it's LENARD.. not fucking Leo-nard ya fucker! Get da fuckin name right! now on wit da letter.

2nd ting.. who's fuckin bitchin? Dem fuckin whities took almost everyting away from us and and fucked us over I don't give a fuck about what odder people say. Everyting dat's wrong in dis world is due to da fuckin whities. Don't you fuckin forget it about it! Besides, it's fun too make dem feel guilty about what der anshtars did 100 years ago! Make dem feel guilty and make dem pay.. dat's why I've got da patent on da "Work Harder White Boy, I need a new Truck" bumper sticker (sold on a rezurvhasun near you). Dey are definately shelling like da hot bannock. All tax free to! Just be lucky dat da whities are in power rather den da Pakis or da Chinaman..if dey were in power, we'd be really fucked! But you live in Vancouver, so you know what I'm talking about der.

Now.. I got a question from you. Did da does More fuckers enslave da Italin natives and put dem on rezurvashuns? I dont tink so cuzin. I tink da only rezurvashuns in Italee are da ones at does fancy reshtarants dat serve all dat pizza and stuff. So dey fucked da whitie women, boo fucking hoo. It you were a more and was drinkin dat Italeean wine all day and saw a hot peace of ass, what would you fuckin do? I know I'd be all over dem! and so would you.. don't fuckin lie about it!

I'll give dem credit doe, dey can almost drink as much as me and da cuzins! But I still don't understand why dey put cheeze and tomato saush on da bannock. dat's just fuckin gross.

Now, as for da 2nd part of your letter. Dat really warmed my hart, and brought a tear to my eye. I haven't done dat in ages. Does were shome good times. I especially got really pished by meltin down da Iris Larrat records. But since dey are now out of print and hard to find, can't get da same buzz. But, actually just for you, since I won da contest at Hunt and Hook and got my Raiders Greatest Hits now on cashe, umm casseht, ah fuck it.. on tape, I'm going to melt down my Raiders record and strain it trough my cuzin Leroy's woolies and get pished up in your honor. Tanks for da mamories Merlin! Oh, and come home, Galt Gardens isn't da same without you!

Lenard

Hey Lenard: I'm a white trash dude who lives in Fort McCloud. Everyday I hang around the javashop and eat soup. Well, one day this hot squaw comes in. She's only 20. I'm 38. She starts talking all sweet to me saying she likes my yellow hair and that she wants to ride a ghost at midnight. I don't understand what this filly means, but we end up going back to my trailer and start doing the POW-WOW on her behind. When I try and kick her out after the POW-WOW, she starts yellin' and screamin' at me callin'me a fuckin' whitey. Then she runs out and tells me to meet her tommorrow at the Lethbridge Hotel. What should I do? What do you think of her? Do you know her? Her name is Perline TwoBears. Should I meet her or is the Lethbridge Hotel Dangerous? Rob

Dear Rob: Glad to hear you frequent da Java Shop in Fort Mcleod.. I tink I saw you der a couple of fuckin days ago! I remember you and Perline! Dat's hot piece of ass you got yurshelf involved wit.

I've known about Perline for quite shome time. I've partied wit her and her sisters on many occasion. She can really pound dem back and still looks good for drinkin 8-12 beers a day to! And let me tell you, dat's not da only ting she likes to pound on!

You did da right ting by kickin her ass out after da pow-wow was done.. Nobody wants to hear squaw bullshit after you've done da deed. Don't worry about her callin you a fuckin whitie (even do you are, don't take it pershonaly) she just feels enshecure cause her old man can't get it up no more due to sniffin too much Pam and drinkin at da Bridge in!

Now da Bridge In is da hottest Native nightspot in Lethbridge! Just like da comershal says, it's "shoot em up fun for da whole gang" but don't worry, dey do have White Trash nights on tursday and saturday nights too! Very really does a whitie get carried out in a stretcher anymore. I know why she asked you to go too..

Now I would definately head down der dis weekend, cause it's a hot rock triple bill! Wilton Heavy Scrotum and da Treaty Busters will be der openin up for da Dick Twang band and to top da night off, just out of da remand shenter.. Johnny Cougar-Fedder!

Now, before you go, I would definately stop off at da Hunt and Hook and get yershelf a good 12 inch shank. Since it's almost fuckin impossible now to buy a fucking gun (tanks alot to da fuckin whitie government)Cause although Perline is a sweathart and good in da sack, I don't know what her old man might do. He doesn't mind her fuckin his cuzins or his brudder, but da last time she fucked a whitie it was a pretty scary situashun. But den again, buy him a couple Jack Daniels and all will be well! Cause he'll be too busy drinkin to watch out for his old lady.. den you can take her back to yur place, or get pished with da band.. yur choice.

Oh Don't worry dey don't make you check your knives in eiter! Oh and don't worry about da itchy balls or da burning green piss. Dat will pass! Soon you'll have all dat you need.. a good squaw (although she'll be hated by da family and all da odder natives for goin out wit you and you'll probably get ass kicked every day by her cuzins and ex boyfriends dat just can't let go) a little papoose or three and all da benefits dat da government will give ya! It's definately a shtep up from being whitie trash!

Welcome to da Tribe Rob Two Bears (yes you must take her name too whitie!)

Lenard

TO; Lenard eh der Lenard , fuck, i am sick of treatin my brain bad . sniffin all dis lysol n shit, i want to get a job , make some money,earn a livin,stay clean for a while. My treaty card isnt cutting my needs ennimore. My fuckin'Squaw of a wife , Destany Dirty Draws thinks im out of my mind? what da fuck should i do ?

Ps. Remember to brin' case of beer on friday for da big pow wow !

Dear Mr. Dirty Draws: Destany Dirty Draws? Her sisters, I fucked her sisters.

Anyways, on with da letter. Holy Fuck cuzin, dat's pretty bad sishuashun you have yurself in, and a bit scary to. Your wifes worry is jushtified. But relax.. I know what yur problem is. Sniffing glue or Pam (Pam da cooking spray, not Pam Drippybeaver) is one ting if you can't get a drink but sniffing lysol gasoline.. Dat's not da way to do it! You Shyfen da gas (for da Impala) not sniff it! Yesh I know it gets you good and fucked up really quickly, but it rots ur brain and makes you tink you are someting else, and makes you depreshed like a whitie! I saw da symptoms in your letter. As for da lysol, you don't sniff dat either. There's two ways of doing Lysol properly. One way is getting a big jug of water, filling it 3/4 full (any water tap on a whitie's yard will do), popping da can and pooring in it's goodness into da jug, shake it up and it's beautiful. Gets you good and pished in no time! Da other way if you don't have a water jug, well it involves a loaf of bread. You pop da can, poor da lysol on da bread and eat it up.. dis fucks you up too! Make sure you don't spray it on da bread doh, you have to pop da bottom of da can!

Remember, sniffin bad.. drinking good! If you shtop da sniffin, and replace it with drinkin, all will be well you'll be back to your normal drinkin, yellin and loiterin in no time! Fuck it, treat yourshelf and your old lady right when da treaty check comes in, get a bottle of Jack Daniels with some cocacola classic on top of da beers and branvan, you deserve it! If you want, I can come by and make sure you're just drinkin and not sniffin. My fee is $48 dollars and a case of beer. Oh, and tanks for reminding me about da pow wow dis friday.. fuck I better start hitch hiking!

Happy drinkin,

Lenard

hello lenard, We are just writing to you to ask why you don't like us whities? Why is a nice lookin man like you still single anywayz?

Two fat white whities

Hello white ladies ..

Why don't I like you whities? cause you fucked us over on da fur trade, on da fuckin treaties, you killed all da buffalo and you fuckers won't won't party with me and my cuzins! Dat's why! You don't know our Cultzure!

Me and my cuzins like to of course like all good natives do da drinkin, yellin and loiterin, and it hurts us when you fuckin whities won't fucken support our cultzure by not givin us yur spare change so we can get pished and trying to make it rain. Would givng us a fuckin nickel hurt us? I don't fuckin tink so.. who knows, we might even ofer you some Branavan or Canadian! But no.. you're too good for us you fuckers! Ta fuck wit you!

Fuck it pishes me off, but after a sniff of Pam and on futer enspecshun of your letter ladies.. I can tell yur not fuckin whities, fucking fat of course, but not fuckin white! No fuckin self respectin whitie would spell "anywayz" with a z! If it was ting dat I learned from my pre school teacher (before I beat da piss out of her, ha ha) was ta spel!

I know who dis is.. It's Rosie and ur sister Stella! I don't hear from you two fer fucking 3 years after I kicked both of ur asses out Labor Day Weekend,or was it my brother's wedding? oh who gives a fuck..anyways and now dat I'm fucking famous, look who crawls out of da Tipi? Go fuckin figure.

And I don't care what you fuckin says, none of yur kids are mine even if tree of dem are named lenard! So fuckin leave me alone.. I don't want anymore lovin! Don't write here no more! Cause yur both fat and ugly bitches.

But if dis isn't Rosie and Stella tanks for da compliment and please send picturs (preferably nekid) care of dis place. Are u from Hobbema and almost 18?If yu are, I'll ad you to my list of Rezurvashun hunies from across da land. I'll come visit you if you put me up and let me party wit you and you can see why all da ladies like to call me long lenard. Sooner den later please, cause I don't tink I'll be stayin here at dis place much longer.. it's almost my friend's time of da month if ya know what I mean, one wrong look I tink will have me on my ash faster dey I can pop a lysol can!

To anshur ur questin, I can't settle down wit just one huny.. dat's not my way! gotta spread da luvin all over da place! I'm a free buck and proud of it! Oh and one odder ting.. No fat chicks! Tanks alot,

Lenard

So Lenard, what should i do when my tready check run's out the fucken white's keep talking my check cuse i can t get no job and i'm not winning at bingo? I need to know and my squaw its looking at the fucken white's sayin she wants to screw one.

waggles_69 from stettler

Dear Waggles: First off.. I only know of one ting dat would make a native give away his tready check! You got to lay off da shoe polish and drano cuzin, dat shit’s no good! Cause I don’t know of any fucken whities dat can take my check and live to tell about it (ha ha), but if you’re getting pished up on dat shit den you’re as good as fucked, cuzin, cause dat shit makes you do pretty strange tings.. like give yur treaty check to charity or to da women’s shelter, shit like dat. Dat shit doesn’t do an Indian no good!

As for da job ting, you need to go back to your peoples.. you’re spoiled and tainted by da white man, talking about a job! Shame on you! Pretty soon you’ll be wanting to buy a 4X4 and chewing da tabbaco instead of smoking it! Fuck..If I wasn’t such a nice guy, I’d get my cuzins to kick your ass! But anyways..But der’s still time to help you get back to da right way of tinkin and drinkin! Look in your phone book for da Brocket alcohol and drug abuse hotline.. dey will set you on da path for success!

As for winning at bingo.. well fuck, you’re on your on der cuzin.. just go every night, but remember to not spend it all der, cause you got to go to da bar afterwards to celebrate or drown da sorrows in a tall glass of branvan.

Finally, skid dat fuckin old lady of yours.. if she wants da white meat, she isn’t a true squaw! She’s nothing but trouble! I bet she’s da one dat is trying to tell you to get a job am I right? I bet you are supporting her too right? I can see it now.. you stumble into da house dat social services provides you, after a aqua velva yucaflux and you see two sets of shoes.. den you hear your old lady screamin in pleasure.. you walk into da bedroom and der she is getting banged by a white guy.. you fuckin lose it and scalp him da right way after beatin da shit out of both of dem.(like any brave would do) But of course your old lady calls da cops, and presto! You’re in da slammer doin 3 years less a fuckin day for nearly killin a whitie. Dat’s tragic. I cannot see my fellow brudders have to go through dat. I must try and help! So skid her now and be done wit it.. you’ll be glad you did! Find yourself a nice native huny and be done wit it. Maybe a rich one from Hobbema.. dat never fails! And make sure you give your ex old lady my number, she might need some lovin after getting dumped.. I’ll make her forget all about ya brudder! May da great bingo spirit guide yur bingo bonker, Lenard

Hey Lenard:  can I bum a smoke?

Lyle Hurtstoopee, 32, Stand Off

Dear Lyle: Normally I wouldn’t fuckin answer a letter like dis, but what da fuck (I owe him a lot more den a smoke ha ha). Fuckin Lyle.. always bumming dis off of me, and dat off of me.. remember when we drank dat nail polish remover down in da ravine? Den we stold yur old lady’s 64 chevy and drove to powwow in Browning.. Remember does squaws we met? (autors note, dat’s how lyle got his name!) Does were da days.. Now about your smoke.. what da fuck do I look like, da fuckin whitie Marlboro man? You’re da one with da treaty card cuzin! All da tax free shit one could ask for.. do I fuckin have one? Nooo! Fucker! Tanks to dat old lady of yurs, I no longer got mine! Fucker.. didn’t even tell me she was da chief’s daughter! Anyways.. you fuckin didn’t even say please.. but if you got a couple cases of beer.. den fuck it, I’ll pack up da pipe full of sweetgrass for ya! Party at Lyle’s dis weekend..

Lenard: All da bucks make fun of me cuz I tink I'm gay. I'm not sure what to do. It's not a very popular ting to be here in Brocket. Can you help me cum out of da tipi?

Wendel SpunkOfDaBum, 18, Brocket

Dear Wendel.. Your parents don’t like you do dey? No wonder everybody’s pickin on yur ass..What kind of fuckin native name is Wendel? No right minded buck would be caught dead with da name like Wendel! It might be a proper whitie name, but it won’t do an Indian no good! Look at da grief it’s causing youz to have.. your so down you tink yur a fuckin fairy! Here’s what I’m going to do.. fuck dat cumin out of da tipi shit..nobody is gay in brocket except for Milton Flamingarrow, but he’s just lying around with all da other drunkards and bums and trust me, you don’t’ want him creepin around yur tipi! I don’t know why da chief lets him live on da rezurvashun, everybody but da chief and knows what he is..you would tink dat with de amount of time da chief spends over at Milton’s place he would clue in.. but anyways.. Just cause I feel sorry for you.. I know dis girl around your age in Brocket.. she is a little chunky, but she’s looking for a good buck to ride all night long. She got no more kids anymore (fuckin whities took dem away) so now she’s ready to breed again..and plus, her boyfriend just dumped her fat ass! and what better way to show all does fuckers picking on you dat yur not a homo, by having yur own little papoose.. Her name is Suzie. I told her about yur situation and she’s all hot to meet you. Thank god you mailed me, cause I’m getting tired of her bullshit! Oh and one last ting before you meet Suzie.. Change yur fuckin name to someting like Elvis, Kaliga, Sammy, Horace or of course, Lenard..does are some Good native names! Just call me cupid cuzin, Lenard

Dear Lenard, I can't read so I don't know what I'm writing. Can you send up some smoke signals toward Dawson so I know if you got my email? Tanks,

Grahm RedCloud, 25, Dawson Creek

Dear Grahm.. Never fear cuzin, da spirit of da enternet got me yur signals strong and clear. It’s been pretty cloudy here on da reserve, but I’ll head over to Sammy’s Smoke Signals, he absolutely, positively tinks he can get da smoke signals as far as Kittimat, BC day after next..so I’ll head down der after I’ve got my check (dat shit ain’t cheap ya know!) can’t just bring him Lysol or glue, gotta bring him Branavan to make sure da job gets done right, and make sure he doesn’t fuck up like he did last time.. Fuckin guy, last time Sammy got pished up on Lysol we almost had an internashunal incident with a bunch of Pioutes in da States.. he accidently told dem dat der squaws were so ugly dat dey should be ridin in da rodeo instead of telling dem dat dey and der old ladies should ride on up to our rodeo. It was a very scary situashun all around with a lot of involved parties.. but it all ended up well after dey beat da piss out of Sammy. His old lady laughed so hard both her upper and lower plates fell out! Der was lots of drinkin and yellin and loiterin dat weekend let me tell you!.. anyways.. tanks for writin in der Grahm.. Sunny shkies to you and yurz dis weekend.. Lenard

Dear Lenard: I really don't know what to do. I really like da white women, but for some reason after my treaty check runs out, dey kick my ass out. How do I keep a white woman?

Sammy from Alberta, 21

Sammy.. dat's your problem.. white women. Any good native knows dat they are nothing but trouble! No wonder you are always getting da boot listen to your letter, certainly da answer is right der! "after my treaty check runs out" dat's your problem! Why are you supportin dem? I got a cuzin in Alberta who goes after da hunnies in Hobbema, maybe you got a cuzin der to who can set you up? Dis is his scam, he hooks up with da squaw when she's just about to turn 18, den.. when she's 18, she gets someting like 75 000 from da government.. She takes care of him til da money's out, den he kicks her ass out when's she's broke and starts dating her cuzin who's almost 18. see da pattern? Dis way, they are supporting your lazy ass and all is well.. and remember, if all is well, all will be well! Tanks alot, Lenard

Dear Lenard: My boyfriend of da last six years cheated on me last week with my sister. He told me he doesn't love me anymore since I put on some weight after my 2nd kid with him (I have 4 childrin). I feel terrible and I don't know how I can cope with dis situation.

Suzie from Brocket, 19

Boo fucking hoo.. I don't need to hear your sob fucking story Suzie. I'm ugly, I am fat boo hoo. I know dat I wouldn't kick you out of my bed (tanks for da pictur) and I'll even work dat weight off for free if you bring me case of beer, I'll give you some luvin make you feel better and send you on your way. All da best, Lenard

Dear Lenard: Everytime I go to da store to get mouthwash, lysol etc dey never serve me, and I end up getting my assed kick by my old lady when I don't bring it home. Help us!

Leroy from Regina, 37

Leroy, I can sympathise with you. Many a time I've been told to leave da Red Rooster. Dis is what you do, find a stupid whitie to go into da store and purchase da stuff for ya. Make sure you are not seen hangin outside da store either! Oh, one other ting, make sure you throw out da bill, cause if you get all pissed and pass out in da park, da cops will find it and will tell da 7-11, NOT to sell anymore lysol, and it would be a sad day. One last ting, Be patient, if da whities say no, don't get mad just thank dem and move on to da next one. You can't get drunk if you're in da back of da patrol car for beatin up a whitie! Be careful when you're poppin dat can, Lenard

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